The life of a modern professional athlete seems glamorous. Money, fame, women. But it's also very easy to shoot yourself.
If you are a professional athlete and suddenly find yourself the victim of a self-inflicted gunshot wound like Plaxico Burress or Vicente Padilla, what should you do?
1. Consider shooting someone else. You've just shot yourself. You're probably in a panic. And a great deal of pain. And quite embarrassed, too. I mean, you shot yourself. Your thoughts will be going a million miles an hour. But you need to calm down for a second and think. Is your gun still beside you? Yes. Is there anyone else near you? If so, shoot them, too. Really. Do it. Consider the facts: Plaxico Burress is imprisoned for shooting himself. Bob Knight and Dick Cheney? Both free. And they shot other people while "hunting." The message is clear: it's far better to "accidentally" shoot someone else than it is to accidentally shoot yourself. Just tell the cops that you saw a pheasant run behind your victim and you'll be golden.
2. Collect evidence. Not for some kind of cover up. You have nothing to hide. You were hunting, right?! (By the way, in case you don't know and in case someone asks, a pheasant is a medium-sized game bird.) No, you need evidence for eBay. Can you imagine if Plaxico Burress had auctioned off swatches of his blood-soaked sweat pants? He would have made a fortune. And then he could have afforded to hire a much better attorney than the one that he had.
3. Get to the hospital Shooting yourself is serious. It's no laughing matter. Well, it is a laughing matter. In fact, it's kind of hilarious. But only for everyone else. Not you. Anyway, at the hospital you'll want to get fixed up. And do your best to get the doctor to prescribe you some steroids for "muscle regeneration" in the limb you shot. Your league won't suspend you for steroids use if they've been prescribed by a doctor. This gunshot just might give your career new life! Well done!
4. Apply for a gun license Yeah, I'm just going to assume you didn't have one. But you're going to want to be able to produce a gun license when the cops show up. A little bribery should get you one. The person at the licensing office is a state employee. They make crap money. A few thousand in cash should be enough for them to backdate your license. If they really drive a hard bargain, offer the piece of clothing that shows the bullet hole. That would have earned the most on eBay.
5. Call your agent Agents don't just help you negotiate your contract. They provide other services, too. Remember that time he disposed of that dead prostitute for you? Really, you don't? It was in 2003 after the first round of the playoffs, you were at the Tropicana, she got mouthy and oh, okay,now you remember. Yeah, that dead prostitute. Anyway, agents can be a big help in situations like this.
6. Go public Okay. All of your bases are covered. It's time to leak the story to the press. Who is the most friendly reporter that you know? No, it's not necessarily that one female reporter who clearly wants to hook up. What about the team beat writer who cheats on his wife during every road trip? Yeah, he's your guy. Call him, tell him what happened, hint that you know about his extramarital activities, and then say: "I know you'll do the right thing with this story." In tomorrow's paper you're going to be portrayed as the hero in an epic gun battle for the very survival of freedom.
7. Start a charity Charitable people, even charitable people who are packing heat, are loved by the general public. So a few days out from the incident, once you have stopped bleeding completely, you'll want to hold a press conference. At the end of the press conference, announce that you are starting a charity to help athletes who are victims of gun violence. Specifically, from their own guns. It will be a small charity to start. But, trust me, the numbers of those in need will continue to grow rapidly. Athletes are getting bigger, not smarter.
The team full of pricks topped that group of douchebags in six games last night, mercifully ending the World Series for most of the nation.
"World fking champs!" hooted noted prick Nick Swisher in the victorious locker room.
Meanwhile, the mood in the opposing locker room was more subdued.
"I still think we were the better team," said uberdouche Jimmy Rollins. "We just didn't play like we were capable of."
The victory by the pricks over the douchebags followed most predictions as to how the Series would play out. The pricks were favored in Las Vegas and among baseball writers and analysts, as well as among casual observers of pricks and douchebags.
"As I thought, the pricks just had better pitching," said Fox analyst Steve Rosenthal.
"At the end of the day, pricks tend to just have more motivation," said Jeff Riley, a casual baseball fan who says he works with both pricks and douchebags, as well as many dickheads. "They can't be denied. Douchebags are annoying, yet possible to ignore if you make the effort to do so. I didn't watch the World Series, but it seems that's how it played out."
With the season at an end, the pricks will now celebrate with a parade before their adoring fans. While the douchebags must try to reload for another run next season.
"We were close," said incredibly douchey right fielder Jayson Werth. "We don't need to blow this team up we get along great and we all love growing our facial hair together and shopping for Ed Hardy t-shirts. But we maybe need to look at the available free agents and see if there are some pricks we can add to the roster."
News Who is Chase Utley?
One week ago Chase Utley was simply a baseball star. Now, by tying Reggie Jackson's record for home runs in a World Series, he is a baseball immortal. Who is this guy? Here are some facts about Chase Utley.
Chase Utley was born December 17, 1978 and raised in the city of Long Beach, California. Utley was active in the Long Beach rap community as a teenager and can be seen bent over on all fours clapping his buttocks in the "Nuthin' But a 'G' Thang" video. He is credited in the video as Bitch 26. Coincidentally, that is his current uniform number.
The former UCLA star hit a grand slam in his first game with the Phillies but initially struggled to break into the everyday lineup because Placido Polanco was entrenched at second. The Phillies are the only major league baseball team to lose 10,000 games.
Utley frequently lends his help to animal rights organizations. In fact, his current hairstyle is to raise awareness about the endangered Slick-Back Otter of the Delaware River.
Animal rights are such a concern to the second baseman that he has the logo of his animal organization placed prominently on his official website: ChaseUtley.com.
This logo is almost exactly the same as the one used by fellow Philadelphia sports star Michael Vick's shuttered Bad Newz Kennels, only that logo had the bat against the dog's head. And the baseball was a dislodged eyeball.
Utley's at-bat music is Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir." The song was also the at-bat music of Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels until Hamels discovered the Zeppelin classic is not about expensive and luxurious sweaters.
Utley angered some Philadelphia fans during the 2008 World Series celebration rally by yelling "World fking champions" into the mic while on stage.
These two fans were immediately ejected from the rally and forced to move out of Philadelphia because, according to an official document from the city, "they were obviously not real fking Philadelphians and should go live in some homo town where they fking belong."
Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels angered Philadelphia fans and teammates following his World Series Game 3 loss by stating that he couldn't wait for the season to end. But today he spoke to his teammates and manager Charlie Manuel to clear up any confusion and express to them how close they are to his heart.
"I am sorry if I hurt anyone with what I said," said Hamels, tearing up as he addressed the team. "But you guys mean everything to me. You're like stylists to me. No, no I mean that. Chase, I look at you like my eyebrow girl, Mindy. You're that important. Cliff Lee, you're my manicurist Wan-Li. And, Charlie oh, Charlie you're my personal shopper and style consultant, Heather."
Hamels went through most of the team similarly until he was finally stopped by teammate Brett Myers.
"Okay. We get it," said Myers. "You like us. You don't want to quit. That's great. But you don't have to be such a freaking girl about it. Jeez. Have some dignity, you woman."
Other Phillies echoed Myers' sentiments, but also stressed that they appreciated Hamels speaking up.
"I needed to hear it, because I had my doubts," said Ryan Howard. "We're all in this car together driving towards one goal and it's good to know we still have Cole roller-skating behind us. Although I could have used not being compared to his pedicurist. Gross."
Hamels' wife, Heidi, a former Survivor contestant, says she knows her husband is sincere because he used a similar speech to propose to her two years ago.
"I'll always remember it," says Heidi. "Cole crouched down he didn't want to get on one knee because he was wearing $300 Gucci slacks and said: 'Heidi, I've wanted a shopping partner my whole life. And I totally love your style. Even better, we both love Savage Garden. I want to grow old with you. Although I won't grow old. I'll stay looking fabulous forever. If I ever get wrinkles or get fat I would, like, totally blow my brains out.' It was so romantic."
Hamels says he is just happy to be back in the good graces of his teammates.
"My hair just doesn't lay right when I'm stressed or feeling unloved," he said. "You ever get that? Horrors."
There are two things we have learned so far in the World Series:
2) The Phillies have no idea how to pitch to this half-man, half-beast.
Rodriguez's 10 plate appearances in the last two games both Yankee wins have resulted in the following: HBP, home run, line out, HBP, walk, HBP, fly out, fly out, strike-out, game-winning double.
Clearly the Phillies need help. Lucky for them I know baseball. And I also know centaurs. So here are my:
Keys to Pitching to CentauRod
1. Exploit his massive strike zone. The strike zone in baseball is from the batter's knees up to the letters across the front of his jersey. On a centaur, that's about six to seven feet. Even a mythical being can't protect an area that big at the plate.
2. Distract him. In Greek mythology, centaurs are depicted as wild creatures enslaved to their unbridled passions. CentauRod is no different. The Phillies and their fans must distract him at the plate with athletic she-males, feed bags full of steroids, and mirrors.
3. Refer to the rule book. This may seem like a cheap way to win, but you're not the team putting a centaur in the lineup. First off, there has to be some sort of uniform violation with CentauRod. Second, weapons such as a bow-and-arrow are not allowed on the field during play. And, third, there's no way CentauRod is keeping all four of his legs in the batter's box. It's impossible.
4. Destroy his confidence in the field. If you can mess CentauRod up on the field, he'll lose some confidence at the plate. That's why the Phillies need to bunt down the third base line at him over and over and over. It's really hard for centaurs to bend down with their horse knees to pick up the ball. Of course, CentauRod may just pick the ball up with a spear. But then you just go back to the rule book violation.
5. If you're going to hit him, hit him in the right place. CentauRod has been hit with pitches three times in the last two games. That's not a problem. The problem is that the Phillies keep hitting him in the upper body. They need to hit him in the legs. Leg injuries are often fatal for horses. Centaurs are no different. A hard fastball just above the hoof should result in CentauRod getting slaughtered like Barbaro. Then who are the Yankees going to be stuck playing at third Jerry Hairston, Jr.? Ha! He's no centaur. He's a nymph. Advantage: Phillies.
Off to a miserable start in his first World Series, New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez is looking to end his slump by the old baseball method of hooking up with someone who is unattractive. And he says he has just the person in mind.
"I think I'm going to do Kurt Russell," said Rodriguez, now 0-for-8 in the series with six strikeouts. "I find him unattractive, yet he's also my girlfriend's stepfather. So she shouldn't mind too much."
Kurt Russell says he is still weighing the decision, but will decide before Game 3 so he can either do it with Rodriguez or the slugger can find someone equally or even more displeasing.
"I mean, I guess I could do it," he said. "It would be like acting. I'd just have to get into character. And my character would be me, Kurt Russell, having sex with Alex Rodriguez. Hmm. I'm not sure if I understand my character's motivation."
Rodriguez is in a long-term relationship with actress Kate Hudson, Russell's stepdaughter from his marriage to actress Goldie Hawn. But even though the couple is considering marriage, Rodriguez says Hudson was at first a bit of a slump-buster herself.
"I've always been more into the she-male, muscular types," he said. "Whereas Kate is soft and delicate and petite and curvaceous. It was hard for me to get past that and not just dry-heave for a while."
He sees Russell as more of a return to that norm.
"Put a blond wig on him and have him talk in a fake British accent, and it will almost be like doing it with Madonna again," he said. "I can work around the penis if it will get me out my slump. This is the World Series. I have to do whatever I have to do."