Picture Kenny Powers Tattoo
One of the first rules to being successful in life is having a tattoo of me, Kenny Powers, on your body.
Major League Baseball delighted its hardcore fans today with the announcement that it will complete the 1994 season, giving fans closure to a very exciting season that was full of turmoil and drama.
"This is so awesome," said Expos fan Marc Beaugard, camping outside the now-vacant Olympic Stadium for tickets. "This is like if the Beatles got back together and recorded Chinese Democracy. Or something. I don't know. It's a long time coming."
Commissioner Bud Selig said he hopes this gives fans what they have always wanted, makes amends for the cancellation of the end of the 1994 season to due labor strife, and keeps baseball in the headlines during the long off-season. The schedule will pick up on Monday with the games scheduled for August 12, 1994 and will play the post-season through to its completion. Division leaders remain the Yankees, White Sox, Rangers, Dodgers, Reds and Expos sporting a gaudy 74-40 mark.
"We have a big lead, but this is all going to come down to what team has the most depth and youth," said Expos manager Felipe Alou. "Many of the guys in the league haven't played in 10 years or more. There will be a lot of injuries, a lot of adjustment."
"Oh, no. This is not good," said Expos ace Ken Hill. "I haven't thrown a baseball in eight years. And I don't even know what I weigh now 290? 325? I might be able to go one batter to start. Pedro [Martinez] is going to have to handle the bulk of the innings. I hope to be able to go an inning or two by the playoffs."
Giants third baseman Matt Wiliams, who retired as a member of the Diamondbacks after the 2003 season, says he is excited to renew his assault on the single-season home run record.
"I'm on 43 and I have almost two months left in the season," he said. "I'm a little rusty, but I'm sure the pitchers won't be on their A-games either. Just wondering, if we're replaying 1994 umm are, uh, steroids still you know, encouraged?"
And while many fans are ecstatic about the completion of the long-awaited season, others say they are worried it will ruin their memories.
"This just feels like a cash grab," said Reds fan Greg Miller. "Like one of those awful Gilligan's Island reunion movies or some old band going on tour. But I'll watch still. I heard they're doing the entire completion of the season in 1080p HD! That's awesome."
Picture Awkward MLB Pose
Don't be shy. Take it like a (not World Series) champ.
On the heels of turning down rules in favor of instant replay, Major League Baseball’s Rules Committee today also shot down a proposal introducing opposable thumbs to the national pastime.
“Why game need thumb?” said Grok, one of the committee’s ten sitting directors.“Thumb no make game same.”
Opposable thumbs were originally introduced by committee member Urg, who felt that the evolutionary digits could possibly assist in both the catching and throwing of balls.“Balls hard grip,” said Urg in his initial proposal.“Thumb make ball hand good.”
Support for Urg’s proposal appeared to be strong at first, with committee members Fraab, Keeeeee, and Porl all in favor of the new rule.However, Grok’s passionate defense of the no-thumbs rule swayed several people, as did his promise of fresh bananas and available cave floor space.Three votes were taken over the course of the committee’s closed door session, and many anonymous sources say feces were hurled during the arguments.Ultimately, the traditionalists prevailed.
“This good day for game,” said a triumphant Grok to the press, while wiping his hairy, protruding brow with his abnormally long forearm.“Keep human element.”
Many players were also relieved to know they would not have to adjust to the new rule requiring thumbs.“Me no want new glove,” said Yankees outfielder Johnny Damon.“New glove have ghost.”
The rules committee also shot down a host of new proposals intended to update the game for modern fans, including properly running water in stadiums, outlawing spearing in the bleachers, and using proper English.However, committee members did vote to have Urg, who proposed most of these new rules, pressed to death under a large wooden plank weighed down with heavy rocks and boulders.
Commissioner Bud Selig was unavailable for comment.
November 13, 2009 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
From @rogerclemens AKA former major league pitcher Roger Clemens
From the good folks at No Mas, using audio from an actual interview with Dock Ellis.
Baseball-on-acid > Baseball-on-steroids
Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder Manny Ramirez was informed today by Dodgers owners Frank and Jamie McCourt that he will live with Mrs. McCourt once the couple's divorce is finalized.
"Divorce is always hardest on the children," said Jamie McCourt. "But I think Manny took the news like a trooper. He cried a little bit, but he was brave. I told him that I have a lot of fun toys at my new house. He'll enjoy it there."
Ramirez asked if it was his fault that the McCourt's were separating. But both Frank and Jamie assured him he was not to blame and that they loved him very much.
Yet Ramirez sounds heartbroken.
"If I was more lovable, Frank and Jamie would want to stay together so they could see me every day," Ramirez said today, tearfully looking up from playing with a truck on his bedroom floor. "I know it's my fault. I think it's because I took those funny pills that I found in Jamie's purse. Now they're mad and they're breaking up."
Frank McCourt says losing Manny is the hardest part of the entire divorce.
"I didn't want this to happen. I'll miss everything about Manny every day," he said. "Even the stuff that sometimes seemed annoying like wiping his nose or changing his sheets because he peed in his bed. But I'll still go to the stadium every night and see him there. She can't take that away from me. I'll make sure to make those moments together special."
Ramirez says he still holds out hope of getting the McCourt's back together. But he also wonders if Jamie McCourt will find someone else.
"Maybe she will get together with someone really cool," he said. "Maybe she'll be with someone like Mark Cuban. Whoa. That would be awesome!"
New York City held a parade today through the Canyon of Heroes in Manahattan to celebrate their Yankees' 27th World Series title. And once that portion of the parade was over, the team boarded busses for the second leg of the parade through downtown Boston.
"It was George Steinbrenner's idea," said general manager Brian Cashman. "He may not be 100-percent, but he can still hit on a great idea sometimes."
"I loved celebrating in New York with out fans," said shortstop Derek Jeter. "But I actually preferred the trek through Boston more. Suck it, you douchebags. Suck. It."
The team's trek through Boston went through every major neighborhood in the city and even some larger suburbs, despite the fact that the Yankees only had a permit for a parade in Manhattan.
"What? What's the problem? We're just a bunch of guys sitting on top of cars who want to tour a beautiful city," said catcher Jorge Posada. "A beautiful city full of losers. You don't need a permit for that."
As to be expected, an impromptu parade through the city snarled traffic and brought Boston to a standstill in the middle of the work day. City officials estimate that more than 2 million Bostonians left work to see the Yankees parade, far more than the number that viewed any recent parades featuring the Celtics, Red Sox or Patriots.
"Getting to boo all the Yankees right outside my building? Awesome," said Jackie O'Connor, a Red Sox season ticket holder. "I much prefer booing the Yankees to cheering for the Red Sox. In fact, it's not even close. We all feel that way. This was by far the best parade we've ever had in this city. I hope they win again next year so I can tell them again how much they suck. Yankees suck! YANKEES SUUUUUUUUCK!"