Filed Under » MLB

In a stunning a result, the heretofore little regarded Red Sox Nation Bobsled Team placing a shocking third in the 4-Man Bobsled finals today in Vancouver, posting a time of 3:23:98 and capturing the bronze behind Sweden (gold) and Germany (silver).

Team captain Neil “Sully” O’McSullivan was ecstatic with the result.“This is fahhhh every fackin’ RED SAWX FAN BACK HOME!WE FACKIN’ LOVE YOU GUYS!YANKEES SACK!”

It was an upset for this Red Sox Nation Bobsled team to even make it Vancouver to begin with.The team’s qualifying trials for the Games were marred when fourth member of the crew Robert “Bawbby” O’Sheagerald was forced to withdraw from the team after saying that while he “hated the s—t” out of Derek Jeter, he really respected the way he played the game.

But O’Sheagerald’s replacement, Thomas “Tawmmy” O’Learyhan of Quincy, MA, proved more than a capable substitute, helping the team post a Red Sox Nation record time at qualifying trials and setting up the team’s miraculous Vancouver run.

Fans of the team were delighted.

“Whey-ah the fack ahhh we, Vancouvah?THIS TOWN BLOWS.It’s nawt cloudy enough!Real towns have clouds!” said fan Jack “Sully” FitzSullivan, one of many wearing the trendy pink Red Sox Nation Bobsled team hats around town.“But whatevah.This brawnze medal just proves that the fackin’ Red Sawx ahhhh the best baseball team in history, and that OW-AH FANS AHHHH THE ONLY TRUE FANS OUT THEY-AH!!!!”

The Red Sox Nation team outclassed more traditional outfits like Switzerland and Norway to capture 3rdplace in the finals, but their finish was not without controversy.Some have disputed the true nationality of the team’s runner, John “Thah Jawnstah!” McO’MacDonald, who was born in Philadelphia.

But McO’MacDonald defended himself to reporters.“I am no cahhpetbaggahhhhh!!!” he said, while dipping six tins of Kodiak simultaneously.“I may have been barn in Philly Nation.But my hahhhht has always been here-ah!THESE AHH MY PEOPLE!”

This is Red Sox Nation’s first-ever gold medal in the Winter Olympics.The country has long been known as a powerhouse in the Special Olympics, but this new bobsled triumph has them setting their sights a bit higher.

“This shows you can do anything if you hate the fackin’ Yankees enough,” said Sully.The first one.

Many predicted an historic upset in the Massachusetts special election to fill the Senate seat left open by the death of Ted Kennedy. But Republican Scott Brown was not able to defeat Democratic candidate Martha Coakley. The election instead went to Yankees Suck, which earned 74-percent of the vote via write-in.

"When I got into the voting booth, I couldn't vote for either of them. They both suck hard," said Scott Haverford, a registered independent and Boston resident. "So I went with my heart. And my heart always says 'Yankees Suck'."

Millions of other Massachusetts voters apparently came to the same decision when it came time to choose.

"I didn't like that Coakley 'cause she called Curt Schilling a Yankee, the bitch," said Cindy O'Connell, a Democrat from South Boston. "But this Brown guy posed naked back in the '80s. I don't want no homosexual representing me in Washington, I know that much. So when it came down to it, it was Yankees Suck or Wes Welker. I flipped a coin and went Yankees Suck."

"I was drunk when I voted and I can't remember who I voted for," said independent Billy O'Rourke. "But, yeah, that sounds like something I'd do."

"Yankees suck!" said Kim Mitchell, a 16-year-old Worcester resident who is not old enough to vote and wasn't asked about the election.

Now that Yankees Suck has been elected, Massachusetts lawmakers have to figure out how to fill the seat with the state's favorite line.

"We could appoint someone to just vote 'Yankees Suck' on every bill in Washington," said Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick. "Or we could hold another special election between the several million Massachusetts residents who have 'Yankees Suck' as their middle name. We just don't know right now. In fact, there's only one thing I do know: Yankees suck!"

With their wedding rumored to be just 10 months away, New York Yankees star Derek Jeter treated his girlfriend — actress Minka Kelly — to a romantic dinner last night at a trendy Manhattan restaurant and then popped the question of a prenuptial agreement before the couple's entrees arrived.

"Ohmigod. Derek!" squealed Kelly. "You're so sweet! You want to protect your assets from me? Now I know you're really serious about getting married. Yes! YES! My answer is YES! Ohmigod. We have official legal documents now! I can't believe it! This is so exciting! I'm calling my mom to tell her the news!"

Fellow diners applauded the happy couple. And then aclearly overjoyed Jeter called his attorney over from a nearby table to have Kelly sign the agreement in triplicate before he allowed his fiancee to use her phone.

"Thank you for doing that, baby," cooed Jeter. "Now I know you love me for me and not because you want my money. You know what? I have a surprise. I had my attorney make additional copies of the prenup and spread them out all over my bed. What do you say we get out of here, head back to my place and make love on them?"

Those close to Jeter, the noted bachelor and ladies man, say it's a huge step for him to use the "p" word with a woman.

"That's why I know this relationship is for real," said a longtime friend of the shortstop. "When I saw him spending more time on the phone with his attorney, I knew something was up. And then to hear him say 'prenup' about Minka … well, I knew it was special. He's serious about not letting her get his money. It's adorable. He had his attorney draw up the document so there were little hearts in place of the periods. He's like a love-struck teenager with really good legal representation."

Mark McGwire's admission brings further clarity to baseball's steroids era, which also pushes it farther into the past.

Great for baseball.

Not so great for Jose Canseco's publishing career. He authored two books — "Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big" and "Vindicated: Big Names, Big Liars, And the Battle to Save Baseball" — that exposed much of the steroid era. But now that everything is exposed, he's struggling to come up with new exposes.

Witness Canseco's latest book proposals making the rounds at publishing houses …

"Juice: Wild Flavors, Rampant Sugar, Smashable Boxes: How Walt Weiss Got Hydrated"

Summary: That tiny shortstop downed juice box after juice box. You have any idea how much sugar and preservatives are in those things? They're not healthy. Just like steroids.

"Flaming Gallego: Playing With a Homosexual"

Summary: "LL" in Spanish makes a "y" sound. So Mike Gallego, the former A's second baseman, was — in a way — trying to hide that he had "Gay" in his name. Also, I often saw him slap men's butts out on the field, in addition to repeatedly showering with men. Obviously, he was gay. It's time the world knows.

"Ozzie: An Expose"

Summary: My twin brother Ozzie Canseco, a former major leaguer, used to pee in his bed sometimes when we were little kids. He also hid a few times and watched our mom get changed, but made me promise I'd never tell anyone. So much for that.

"Juicedicated: Wild Names, Rampant Liars, and How Baseball Battled to Save Big"

Summary: This book just re-arranges the words and paragraphs in my first two books, combines them into one manuscript and then sells it to the public as though it's new.

"War and Peace (and STEROIDS!)"

Summary: Using the magic of the Find/Replace function I switch out every mention of the word "guns" in Leo Tolstoy's classic with "steroids". Boom. Masterpiece.

"Lies I Made Up for Money"

Summary: These are lies I made up for money.

Now that we finally know the truth about Mark McGwire's career, let's take a more informed look back … through pictures.

While a powerful steroid, the cream often left a milky residue.

This was the prettiest tumor McGwire ever grew.

McGwire turned for the worse when he began hanging around unsavory characters, such as the man who tried to assassinate the Queen of England.

McGwire began taking steroids first, giving him a distinct growth advantage over teammate Jose Canseco.

For a time, McGwire injected steroids directly into his hat.

McGwire's steroids use was so extensive, he actually grew a spare, all-muscle version of himself.

Not all A's players took steroids, such as Walt Weiss, pictured here.

McGwire and Sammy Sosa loved to play the game "Find the Injection Spot."

In addition to steroids, McGwire enjoyed cigars and large containers of wine, as seen here.

Eventually, the stress of hiding his steroids use showed up on McGwire's face.

The tearful admissions continue to flow from the McGwire Family. Hours after big brother Mark McGwire admitted to extensive steroids use during his record-setting 16-year major league baseball career, younger brother Dan McGwire admitted to extensive non-use of steroids during his failed 5-year NFL career.

McGwire, the 16th overall pick by the Seattle Seahawks in the 1991 NFL Draft, threw two touchdowns and six interceptions in 13 career games with Seattle and Miami.

The bust released this statement to the media:

"It's time for me to talk about the past and to confirm what people have suspected. I did not use steroids during my playing career and I apologize. I wish I had used steroids. It was foolish and it was a mistake not to. I truly apologize. Looking back, I wish I had participated in the steroid era."

"I'm sure people will wonder if I could have not thrown all those terrible passes had I taken steroids. I had bad years when I didn't take any steroids and worse years when I didn't take any steroids. But no matter what, I should have done it and I'm truly sorry."

McGwire followed that statement with a tearful interview on the NFL Network in which he apologized to former NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue, former Seahawks head coaches Chuck Knox and Tom Flores, and Seahawks fans.

"It's very emotional, it's telling family members, friends and coaches, you know, it's former teammates to try to get ahold of, you know, that I'm coming clean and being honest," he said.

While McGwire's admission is not expected to help his Hall of Fame chances, he is reportedly in the running to become the quarterbacks coach for the Cleveland Browns.

Mark McGwire has admitted taking steroids in 1998 when he broke Roger Maris' home run record.

"I wish I had never touched steroids," McGwire said in a statement. "It was foolish and it was a mistake. But I am a stronger person now and it's all thanks to steroids."

The former slugger and current St. Louis Cardinals hitting coach said he wishes he had the strength to avoid taking steroids when he was younger.

"We all have our weaknesses," said McGwire. "Mine was weakness. So I took steroids. I guess you could say I didn't have a choice other than to give into my weakness. So steroids saved me. And also destroyed me. But definitely saved me. You could say it's a wash, I guess."

McGwire claims he no longer uses steroids — for muscle growth. But he did use steroids to find the emotional and spiritual strength to admit to using steroids.

"I injected directly into my brain," he said. "At first it was because I had used up all of my good veins. But then it turned out they made me a stronger person on the inside. Or at least they seemed to. I blacked out a lot. Drinking the cream and the clear did wonders, too. Someday soon I hope to be able to bend a steel bar … with MY MIND. But for now I'll just do it with my pinkie and thumb, thanks to my massive, steroids-grown muscles."

Mr. Emanski —

As you have probably seen by now, I did not get elected into the baseball Hall of Fame. You need 75-percent of the vote to get in. What did I get? 21.5 percent. 21.5 f—king percent. So only 53.5 percent off! D'oh! So close!

Hey, but guess who did get in?! Andre Dawson! Are you familiar with Andre Dawson? Here are his career numbers over 21 seasons: 438 home runs, .279 batting average, .806 OPS.

Guess who trumped all those numbers in just 19 seasons? Me! ME, you prick! I had 493 home runs, a .284 batting average and a .886 OPS.

Hmmm … so why is it that Dawson's career is so much more highly-regarded than mine?

Oh, I don't know … let me think. Ooh! I know! Let's play a little word association. I'll go first: Andre Dawson.

What did you think of? Baseball, right? Of course. That is all Andre is associated with.

Here's another one for you: Fred McGriff.

Did you think of a foam-hat wearing shill in a horribly-produced series of baseball training commercials???

DING! DING! DING! You win! And so I lose. Dawson's a Hall of Famer, I'm a punchline.

You dick, Emanski. You dick. I agree to shoot a video to help out your little baseball academy for a few hundred bucks. You slap a foam hat on me and screw me over with fine print saying the commercial will run for eternity without ever changing spokesman or updating the production quality.

It would be one thing if you helped me get better at baseball.

But did I win back-to-back-to-back titles? No! I did not! I won one World Series with the Braves. But we lost a whole bunch of championships back-to-back-to-back. You don't mention that in the ad.

Building block approach? More like stacked piles of feces.

Oh, right. I almost forgot. Thanks to you I can throw a baseball into an overturned trash can from the outfield. Here I come, Hall of Fame!

I hate you, Emanski. DIE!

Sincerely,

Fred McGriff

P.S. — I saw how you touched that AAU shortstop back in '91. I can take you DOWN, Emanski!

It doesn't always have to be jokes around here. Now that Randy Johnson is retired, it's time to pay tribute to a baseball legend.

(Note: He also probably did some other stuff.)

According to reports from thousands of eyewitnesses around the country, as well as the boasts of the athletes themselves, every professional athlete in the United States is currently wearing an Ed Hardy t-shirt.

"Is it embarrassing that we're all dressed the same?" asked San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman. "You tell me — what's embarrassing about looking awesome, brah?"

While it can't be confirmed that absolutely every pro athlete is currently wearing an Ed Hardy t-shirt, Christian Audigier, the designer on the line, says that is very likely.

"Of the 14 million Ed Hardy shirts we sold last year, 6.9 million of them were sold to professional athletes in the four major American sports," he said. "In fact, it's probably quite rare that there is a moment when an athlete is NOT wearing Ed Hardy, or drinking Ed Hardy water or Ed Hardy wine. No, I am not shitting you. There is Ed Hardy wine."

Sales figures say another 6.9 million were sold to boy band members, fading rockers and desperate actors, leaving only 200,000 shirts sold to the general public.

"We refer to those 200,000 as 'aspirers' in our sales material," said Ed Hardy brand manager Jeff Cartige. "But internally we call them douchebags."

With the athlete demographic locked down, Ed Hardy is close to finalizing several deals that will expand the line further into sports.

"Team USA approached us about doing all of the national team uniforms for the Olympics and every international competition," said Audigier. "They said having us design the uniforms was the only way to get the pros interested in participating."

Audigier's initial design has "United States" written in script diagonally across the front of the jersey atop a sketched American flag holding the skull of George Washington.

"It's crazy fresh," said Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins. "I can't wait to style for my country."