Picture Don't Tase Me Bro Part 2
Philadelphia fans are known as the most obnoxious, violent and disgusting in all of sports. And while they wear this reputation as a badge of honor, they also oddly claim every infamous fan incident has been misconstrued and blown way out of proportion by the "Philly-hating media" and that this stuff "happens everywhere."
Here's a rundown of all the top (bottom?) Philadelphia fan moments and what really happened.
WARNING: This video contains Joe Buck. But other than that, it's worth a viewing.
Every Major League player has a specific song that plays every time they come up to bat. But it's rare that a player's song truly fits him.
Here are 7 players who could use a new music selection.
A statewide ban that prohibits smoking in public places went into effect in Michigan on Saturday, forcing Tigers manager Jim Leyland to give up his habit of smoking cigarettes in the dugout. So the Detroit skipper has moved on to intravenous drugs to get his fix.
"Oh, yes. Oh, sweet God yes. This feels amazing," said Leyland, seconds after shooting up during the top of the first inning on Sunday. "Ohmigod. Just ohmigod. This is so much better than smoking."
Hours later, the game long over, Leyland awoke on the floor of the dugout and explained his decision.
"I have to sit here and watch baseball for three hours a night," he said. "I'm in the American League, so I just have to write in some names at the beginning of the game and then sit there. And the majority of my time is spent in Detroit, Kansas City, Cleveland, Minneapolis and the South Side of Chicago. You better believe I'm going to use some kind of narcotic to get me through my days. And since smoking in public is now illegal, I'll ride the dragon instead."
Leyland says he has never taken intravenous drugs before, but "if Ron Washington can snort coke all game and not have any consequences, I can shoot up."
"I was pretty pissed about the smoking law," he said. "I didn't know what to do. But then I saw some syringes laying around in the locker room it's still baseball, you know and decided I'd try that. I asked Johnny Damon and Miguel Cabrera if they knew anyone who could get me some stuff and, sure enough, they did. A few hours later, it's game time and I had a high that nicotine could never touch. So it all worked out for the best."
Leyland bristled at reporters' questions implying he was setting a poor example for kids.
"I'm a 65-year-old chain smoker with a white mustache and I curse non-stop," he said. "What stupid kids were looking up to me in the first place?"
Picture "O's, bro. O's."
The baseball card industry has been dying for years. But there was a time when every sports-loving kid had shoeboxes full of cards.
What few collectors know is that every baseball card photo during collecting's heyday was taken by one man: Jean-Philippe Garceau baseball card photography artiste!
Garceau was a classically-trianed painter who, while attending the Royal Academy in London, went on an exchange program to the Art Institute of Chicago. There he took in a Cubs game and became instantly smitten with America's national pastime. He decided to focus his talents on baseball card photography. The rest is history.
Today, in the premiere of a new feature, he sits down with SportsPickle to discuss some of his most iconic images.
Veteran right fielder PedroCerranoannounced his retirement after 19 seasons with the South Carolina Buzz, the Triple-A affiliate of the Minnesota Twins, at a news conference this morning.
Cerrano, a 1989 Rookie of the Year candidate who struggled in several attempts at a comeback, announced his decision in front of members of the press, several former teammates including Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn, Willy Mays Hayes, and Jake Taylor, Indians owner Roger Dorn, and three die-hard Indians fans.
The 47-year-old spent two Major League seasons with the Cleveland Indians and retires with 32 lifetime homeruns and a career .219 batting average. With his big league days considerably behind him,Cerranoclaims he no longer has the energy to keep trying to hit curveballs.
"No more baseball for me," saidCerrano, who pounded his chest and performed a lengthy Voodoo ritual that involved a black hood, snake, and a small, terrifying doll named Jobu.
The announcement did not surprise many people asCerranohas not been able to earn a spot on a major league team since he defected from Cuba for religious freedom in 1989 and impressed Indians scouts that same year. It was in Cleveland where he won the American League pennant as the team’s starting right fielder. In his first year alone,Cerranofinished in the top five in homers, RBIs, slugging percentage and earned the nickname the Cuban Crusher from adoring fans.
He was also a member of the Indians’ 1990 World Series team, although it remains unclear if they won that or not.
Cerranomade his mark on the game as much with his odd personality as with his contributions to the teams on which he played. He became the first Voodoo follower in the majors, as well as the first openly Buddhist baseball player though his religion quickly switched back to Voodooism when his competitiveness wore off.
Despite a career that spanned two decades,Cerranois most known for the time when he attempted to save a pigeon he hit with a fly ball rather than run the bases. This act, though compassionate, cost the Indians their first game of the 1990 season. When asked to comment on this now legendary event,Cerranosaid nothing and sacrificed a chicken.
Cerrano put up impressive power numbers in the minors, but his average always hovered around .200 and with his path blocked by younger prospects, he was kept on the farm to sell tickets.
The Indians had offered Cerrano a one-day contract to retire with Cleveland, but he turned them down yesterday, reportedly telling Indians general manager Mark Shapiro: "You no give me job when I needed one? I say fk you, Cleveland."
"It was an honor to play along side him, and everyone wishes him the best," said Mays Hayes, who, according those in attendance at the press conference, looked completely different than the last time anyone saw him.
Everybody is complaining about the length of baseball games these days, from fat umpires to self-righteous journalists, to…well, that’s about it. Here a few ways to shorten the national pastime so we can stop listening to people complain about it.
1. Put in a time limit between pitches
The SEC conference will use a pitch clock at its 2010 conference tournament. Twenty seconds will be allowed between pitches when no runners are on base. This is a common sense approach to speeding up the game. Just don't say so to SEC fans. Those people are obnoxious enough already about their football teams.
2. Provide managers with jet packs to fly to and from the mound
Instead of watching Charlie Manuel waddle to the mound like a constipated tow-truck driver, have him strap on a jetpack and zoom to the mound in less than a second! The only downside, if you can call it that, is that the jet engines would probably incinerate the manager instantly. Polyester goes up like a really ugly Christmas tree.
3. Switch to more powerful aluminum bats
How many times have you found yourself checking your watch while a line drive is en route to a fielder’s glove? Using aluminum bats will make balls get their faster, because aluminum bats are deadly projectile launchers.
4. Suspend the league leader in walks indefinitely
Suspending the league leader in walks indefinitely will prove that the league is serious about speeding up the games. Also, the fans will get to see less of Kevin Youkilis and his horrifying chin beard.
5. Outlaw “belly-itcher” chant as it gets in the pitcher’s head and forces him to slow down.
This cruel form of psychological warfare forces the pitcher to slow down, wipe his forehead in dismay, and occasionally charge over to the opposing dugout and fervently insist he does not itch his belly any more than a normal person. Get rid of it.
6. Lower the pitcher’s mound
It takes up to two seconds for most pitchers to make the long journey up the pitcher’s mound. Lowering the mound a few inches could reduce this journey to an average of 1.8 seconds. Why the league is not doing this I don’t know. It’s another example of Bud Selig’s contempt for the fans.
7. No longer allow Mariano Rivera to hock a giant loogie on the ball between every pitch
This is a time honored tradition that Yankee fans have enjoyed for many years, but it’s time for it to stop. The amount of time it takes for the tobacco-laced dollop to get from Rivera’s lips to the ball is approximately 0.7 seconds. Eliminating this practice would save valuable seconds and also make it feel like time is moving lighting fast, because time flies when you're having fun and it's really fun when the Yankees lose.
8. Shout things like "Hey, get the bat off your shoulder, dickhead!" to encourage the dickheads to get the bats off their shoulders.
A lot of these coddled bastards have never had somebody stand up to them. Shouting things like this will get their attention and take them down a peg or two. Also acceptable: “Come on, don’t be a statue!” and “We want a hit, not a hairy armpit.”
9. Prohibit pitchers from time consuming “wind-ups”
What is with all the contortions and machinations the pitchers go through before throwing the ball? Toss it in there. This isn’t performance art, douchebag.
10. Eliminate seventh inning stretch, seventh inning
It’s not quite the end of the game, it’s not quite the beginning of the game, and it’s not quite the middle. What is it? Plus the seventh-inning stretch is incredibly boring. If I wanted to stretch I’d join the Marines.
11. Continuously blare the music of John Mayer over the PA system
This will make everyone in the ballpark want to get the hell out of there as soon as possible. This could also be used to torture terrorists and fill young children with existential hopelessness, if that’s your thing.
12. Turn clocks back one hour in fifth inning
This is a no brainer. Turning back the clocks one hour will save approximately one hour.
13.Stop singing “God Bless America”
This nation has been blessed enough and it’s selfish for us to ask for more. Plus, it’s exclusionary to people who hate America.