Filed Under » MLB

Dr. James Andrews today revealed the creation he says "is the work of my lifetime," an athletic Frankenstein-type beast created with the chunks of body parts he has taken from his surgeries on elite athletes.

"FrankenAthlete is the most physically perfect being ever created," said Andrews. "No single athlete could ever hope to defeat it."

Andrews has done surgeries during his career on Michael Jordan, Adrian Peterson, Jack Nicklaus, Robert Griffin III, Bo Jackson and countless other great athletes. He says he has combined parts and DNA he removed from all of them to grow FrankenAthlete.

"If any of my past patients have a problem with what I have done, I'd let them know that they agreed to this," said Andrews. "They need to read the fine print on their surgery paperwork a little better."

With Opening Day rapidly approaching, the Chicago Cubs are putting the finishing touches on historic Wrigley Field so it is prepared for its 99th season of baseball.

"There are certain things fans expect when they come to Wrigley Field," said general manager Theo Epstein. "And the stench of urine and fecal matter is high on that list. Our stadium crew is working overtime to make sure Wrigley Field is sufficiently disgusting by April 8th."

Keeping Wrigley Field in a dilapidated state takes more effort than most fans might expect. The stadium needs to pass local, state and federal codes. It sits empty for six months out of the year — plenty of time for plumbing and pest issues to be resolved — and the Cubs are also flush with cash.

"It's really hard to block up a few hundred toilets that haven't been used in six months," said stadium manager Jeff Marciniak. "It takes weeks of over-filling them with bowel movements and dropping full rolls of toilet paper and beer bottles in them. And then we have to make sure everything is in place to sustain a large and healthy rat population. The way I look at it is this: You know how there are rock stars with messed up hair that looks like they just rolled out of bed? It takes hours to get hair like that. Wrigley Field is that rock star hair. A ton of hard work goes into the stadium being this shitty."