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According to senior Pentagon officials, Philadelphia sports fans have begun enriching uranium in hopes of getting it to bomb-quality levels and may be just 3-5 years away building a usable nuclear weapon.

"It could happen even quicker if any of them were sober," saidLieutenant General Ronald Burgess, director of the Defense Intelligence Agency. "I think it goes without saying, we don't want these people to have the bomb."

Available information suggestscentrifuges at three enrichment plant locations — the parking lots surrounding Citizens Bank Park, Lincoln Financial Field and the Wachovia Center — areproducing low-enriched uranium, but are not yet being used to make highly enriched uranium at a level needed for nuclear weapons. That is the next step, however.

Joey Mottolla, who started the program, admits Philly fans plan to go nuclear.

"You better f-cking believe it," he said, high-fiving his friends. "We're going Enola Gay on all the gay-ass fans of the Cowboys and Mets and Penguins and all of them," he added, before being madefun of by his friends for knowing about history and the Enola Gay.

The program began last November during a tailgate before an Eagles game when some sausages weren't cooking fast enough.

"We needed to speed it up," said Big Mikey, Joey's friend. "It was really cold outside and charcoal just wasn't working. So we thought maybe nuclear would be better way to go. None of us knew shit about that, but my girlfriend's sister's cousin's boyfriend was at the tailgate and it turns out he was some big smart guy who went to Penn. We held him down and farted in his mouth until he agreed to help."

A few months later, the program is progressing nicely.

"I cooked a sausage before the Flyers game the other night in three seconds," said Joey. "And I only have a couple of tumors in my mouth."

While Pentagon officials believe Philly fans are still a few years away from having a usable bomb, Joey and Big Mikey are pushing it to be ready by football season.

"If we don't get to blow up Tony Homo, there's going to be more than farts in that nerd's mouth," said Joey.

After an 0-for-4 game at the plate against the Mets on Sunday, star Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez saw his career batting average dip to .165 during games your friend Steve is watching.

“I think it’s .165. Might be a little less. It’s at least something sucky like that,” says Steve. “You know, I don’t know why people talk about A-Rod being so great. He never does dick when I see him play.”

In addition to possibly hitting around .165 in the 15 or so Yankees games Steve has seen on the YES Network or in-person over the past few years, Rodriguez only has four, maybe five home runs.

"Yeah, he’s hit a few,” says Steve. “But that’s in close to 100 plate appearances. And to my recollection, not a single one of them meant anything. They were all pointless home runs that came with a big lead or the Yankees trailing by a bunch.”

Steve admits seeing Rodriguez hit pretty well in the playoffs last year.

“But the games I saw, their pitchers grooved it right down the middle of the plate,” says Steve. “I could have hit those pitches out. My grandmother could have hit them out. A-Rod putting that one over the fence was just the exception that proves the rule, you know? I’ll start giving him some credit when he hits a walk-off at every game I see. For $25 million a year, he should be doing that. At the very least.”

Despite A-Rod’s peculiar struggles while your friend Steve is watching, Steve says he isn’t giving up on the Yankees.

“A-Rod is just lucky that Derek Jeter is hitting, like, .875 when I watch him,” says Steve. “That dude is money.”

What was intended to be a night to celebrate the diversity of America turned out to be a somber reminder of our nation’s past failures, as starting pitcher Kyle Weir’s three strikeout performance prompted a ‘KKK’ sign to be hung in the stadium’s right field bleachers for 8 innings in last night’s Triple-A contest between the Pawtucket Red Sox and Syracuse Chiefs.

Though Weir’s complete game shutout was certainly a noteworthy achievement, the top story on everyone’s mind was the three oversized, makeshift K’s which were hung prominently at McCoy Stadium. The Red Sox had designated the night as Minority Appreciate Night, and any minorities in attendance were given 75-percent off ticket prices.

“It’s really a shame," said Wesley Jackson, an African-American who had brought his four children to the game. “I didn’t notice it until the 3rdinning or so, but once you see something like that you can’t unsee it. But the worst part was definitely being asked by my son what KKK meant. I mean, the racial injustices of our people isn’t something you talk about between bites of a 5 dollar hot dog.”

“Look, I’m not a racist," said Weir, clearly agitated from the chorus of boos he was greeted with as he walked off the mound after the top of the 9th. “It’s not like I don’t want to not strike people out, it just happened that way. I’m a groundball pitcher, and that’s baseball.”

This isn’t the first time a designated promotional night has gone awry for Pawtuckett. Last year the team wore their alternate, black away jerseys to a game, which drew the ire of fans who came for KKK Appreciation Night.