Score one for the Tea Party movement. The 2010 Major League Baseball All-Star selections were announced on Sunday and the results at shortstop in the American League should open the eyes of the establishment.
Margie Watkins, a 62-year-old grandmother from Ohio, edged out New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter, earning more than 4.6 million write-in votes. The candidate for Congress in November has never played baseball, but says she sees that as an advantage.
"We've had the same people in the All-Star Game year after year after year and you can see where that's gotten us," said Watkins. "Lower ratings and an exhibition game determining home field in the World Series. It's time for a change. It's time for us to take our nation's pastime back."
In light of many Tea Party candidates not fairing as well in the May primaries as expected, the movement has turned its attention to getting its candidates elected in other arenas, resulting in numerous state fair baking contest titles, a few shopping mall talent show victories and Miss Kentucky going to Rand Paul. But Watkins starting at shortstop over Jeter is the biggest victory so far.
Yet while the Tea Party trumpets its success, some have said that the National League helped vote her in to make the American League an easier opponent come the All-Star Game, as she will likely go hitless and make countless errors due to her lack of baseball ability and complete ignorance of the sport.
"That's a typical excuse," said Watkins. "But they know that we have the support of real, hard-working Americans, the nearly 5 million people all across the country who voted for me online."
Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin came in second in National League All-Star voting at first base to Albert Pujols, despite her claim that she set the state home run record in high school.
More than 38,000 fans sat through an abysmal 12-4 baseball game in Pittsburgh on Saturday night watching 25 hits, two errors, four pitching changes over three hours for one reason.
"Fireworks! Woooooo! I can't wait!" said Pirate fan Scott Stoltz after the Phillies took a 7-1 lead in the top of third inning. "Only six and a half more innings!"
Despite the Phillies stretching their lead to 12-2 by the top of the seventh, every fan in the stadium remained in their seats in anticipation of the post-game fireworks. The Pirates pushed across runs in both the eighth and ninth innings, delaying
"Come on! Get out!" yelled one fan from his upper deck seat. "We want fireworks!"
"This would be so like the Pirates," said another. "Make some huge, dramatic comeback to push the game into extra innings and ruin fireworks night for everyone."
Eventually the Pirates were mercifully retired in the bottom of the ninth inning and the fireworks show began soon after the players cleared the field.
"That was totally worth it," said a fan after the show. "Great fireworks display. I think the only way it could have been better is if they had it before the game."
Citing a lack of locker room cohesion caused by “somepeople” being complete dweebs, several of the popular players on the San Francisco Giants have decided to hold a “Cool Players Only” meeting to address the situation.
“We gave out invitations during batting practice so everyone could see who’s chill and who isn’t," said starting pitcher Barry Zito, a total dreamboat who everyone agrees is the most popular player on the team. “It’s gonna be pretty cool, I stole some of my Mom’s whiskey and Tim Lincecum’s getting cough syrup. We’ll probably get totally wasted.”
Parents of several uninvited players were upset to learn about what had happened, and have voiced their displeasure to the media and Giants brass.
“Guys can be so harsh at that age," said Juanita Mota, mother of reliever Guillermo Mota. “You don’t really think about others feelings when you’re that young, but stuff like this can be damaging psychologically to someone in their mid-30s.”
Giants General Manager Brian Sabean has had to defend himself after coming under fire for allowing the meeting to take place in his office.
“Look, these guys are going to drink whether we want them to or not. And I’d rather have them doing that stuff somewhere where I can supervise and know they’re okay.”
Joba Chamberlain burst onto the scene likehot, flat-brimmed lava. But after a failed tour as a starter and a sub-parreturn to the bullpen, it appears Chamberlain’s status as liquid-hot phenomhas cooled and hardened into an igneous career as a middle reliever.
In an attempt to restore what once was Yankees’ Senior Vice President andGeneral Manager, Brian Cashman, made the decision to bring back the “JobaRules,” protective guidelines set to prevent the hard-throwing righty fromgetting injured early in his career. The Yankee front office drew a lot ofcriticism when they enacted the “rules” in 2007, but according to Cashman,all the jokes and disparagement is far less painful than watching a onceprized prospect slip deeper and deeper into mediocrity. “The biggest regretof my career is revoking the ‘Joba Rules.’ Well, besides making him astarting pitcher… and signing Kei Igawa” said Cashman.
To celebrate the reinstatement of the “Joba Rules,” a team trip to Hawaiiwas booked for a renewal ceremony during an off day of their West Coast roadtrip. The private ceremony, whose guest list boasted such Yankee legends asYogi Berra and Randy Velarde, was hosted on a beautiful white-sand beachjust south of Honolulu. Under the guidance of newly ordained minister, DerekJeter, Chamberlain and Cashman exchanged the newly penned rules in front ofthe exclusive audience. Cashman, who read his rules on behalf of the entire
Yankees organization, couldn’t help but get emotional during the hour-longceremony, which was capped by a Chamberlain fist pump and Frank SinatraJr.’s rendition of “New York, New York.” “For the most part, I try not tolet my emotions get to me, but when Joba looked me in the eyes and flashedme one of those reassuring, Cornhusker smiles, I just couldn’t help myself”said the teary-eyed GM. “You know, I’m glad I finally listened to my wife,”he added, “the Hawaiian vow renewal ceremony really was a good idea."
The players in attendance agreed wholeheartedly. Curtis Granderson, who isin his first season with the Yankees, said “[the ceremony] was the mostbeautiful thing I’ve ever seen. The closest thing we ever did to this in
Detroit was pretend wedding for [Justin] Verlander and [Magglio] Ordonez’sdogs, it was really cute.” For members of the organization who couldn’t makeit, a DVD of the ceremony’s Yankeeography was sent to team headquarters inTampa, Florida.
While the exact terms of the Chamberlain-Yankee agreement were meant to bekept private, an inside source says the new rules are highlighted by a 100inning season limit, no alcohol before day game clause, and mandatory TacoTuesdays.
Lady Gaga's outrageous behavior continued last night as she sat in the upper deck seat she purchased at Citi Field and quietly kept score for all nine innings of the Mets' 14-6 interleague victory over the Tigers.
"I am shocked by her actions," said Mets general manager Omar Minaya. "Who still keeps score at a baseball game? At least, who does it who isn't an old man or a nerdy virgin? I don't know what Ms. Gaga's angle here is, but I don't care for it."
Minaya admitted he was pleased that Gaga kept to herself during last night's game and didn't insult Mets fans, but is worried what she might do next to top keeping score.
"This woman is addicted to attention and she keeps trying to top herself," he said. "I fear what's next. I heard she might wish her friend happy birthday by texting the message to the stadium scoreboard."
Gaga, who was recently in the news for giving the finger to Mets fans at a game and for drunkenly making the rounds in the Yankees clubhouse following a loss, said she kept score simply out of her love of baseball.
"It is so simple, yet so beautiful," said Gaga. "There's nothing like writing in '6-4-3' on a scorebook or shading in the diamond to signifying a run scoring. It just enhances the baseball experience. I'd compare it to having sex while wearing a massive strap-on covered in rhinestones. Simple, yet beautiful."
The singer also apologized if she offended anyone sitting near her by writing in her scorebook with her blood.
Even before his dominant Major League debut, StephenStrasburghad been turning heads with his overpowering fastball and devastating curve. But today the 21-year-old right hander raised eyebrows for a much different reason, announcing at a morning press conference that he is dropping his birth name in favor of the mound name, Ace Heater.
The change, which is effective immediately, was made with the hopes of improving the young flamethrower’s marketability.
"Cary Grant was born Archibald Leach. Rita Hayworth was Margarita Cansino," said Scott Boras, Heater's agent. "Without their stage names, they never would have made it as big as they did. If actors can do it, we see no reason why baseball players can do it. And, let's be honest, Stephen Strasburg isn't any better than Archibald Leach. At the same time, Ace Heater is way more kickass than Cary Grant."
Although not everyone agrees, most notably Heater's mother, Mary Ann Strasburg.
“Ace Heater!? Who the heck does he think he is?” said Mary Ann. “What’s wrong with the name Stephen? There’s no St. Ace, I’ll tell you that much. Nor does he have a great uncle Ace who served in World War II, may he rest in peace."
According to Heater, the decision to change his name was an easy one. After Boras pitched him the idea of being the first person to have a mound name, it wasn’t a matter of if he was going to take one, but what it was going to be.
“At first I was pretty set on Chaz Kay, but Scott told me it was too subtle. I tried to meet him halfway with Chuck Kay, but then we decided that sounded too much like Jackee. And I'm just not sassy enough to pull that off."
After hours of discussion and deliberation, the two finally agreed on a name. Heater says he’s satisfied with the name he chose because it highlights his two greatest attributes, “being a pitcher and throwing really fast.”
Picture Super Flexible Asian Pitcher
10 million hipsters can't be wrong.