Cabrera is built more like Adele, but whatever.
Miami's Giancarlo Stanton fouled off a pitch in on the hands in the fourth inning, shattering the bat and forcing the team to complete the game using just the handle. Following the game, the team decided it would cease all operations until they can get a new bat or a used, but intact bat, as was the case with the team's previous model.
"All we can do right now is wait and hope for the best," said manager Mike Redmond. "I've put in a request to Mr. Loria for a new bat. We'll see what happens."
It's unlikely Redmond's request was met positively by Jeffrey Loria, the team owner. Wooden baseball bats, even used ones, cost in the tens of dollars. This fact is why Loria gave the team explicit instructions on the first day of spring training not to break the bat. "This is the only one you're getting all season," he reportedly told the team. "You need to learn how to respect property. Money doesn't grow on trees."
During that same address, Loria informed his players they would be getting paid this season in leaves.
Even in an anonymous poll, Utah residents are morally upright.
"This is my first managing job," said Bo Porter, Houston's new skipper. "So I think I offer a kind of outsider's view, but one thing I do know about baseball is that home runs are good. It's my goal to have this team do a lot of them. But that takes practice and execution."
Porter is taking over a 55-107 team that is faced with moving to the AL West from the NL Central this season.
"I'm not looking for slightly improvement," said Porter. "I want to compete for the playoffs right away. And this explosive home run play can get us there."
The Astros spent Day 1 in camp breaking down film of home runs.
"I noticed that they go over the fence!" exclaimed shortstop Jacob Elmore. "That's the key."
Day 2 of camp consisted of Porter running through the various home run plays he had conceived in the offseason, titled Home Run Left, Home Run Left-Center, Home Run Center, Home Run Right-Center and Home Run Right.
"The play names are confusing, but I hope to learn them by Opening Day," said an outfielder named Oscar Cespedes or something like that.
"It was a long season. After the playoffs ended, the boys just hunkered down and never left the clubhouse," recalled Leyland. "As long as they emerge ready to play by the time the season starts, that's all that matters."
The issue of offseason hibernation is nothing new for Leyland, although this year represents the first time the entire team has participated. Previously, Miguel Cabrera spent his winter sleep in the equipment room.
"Oh yeah, we knew what we were getting with him. Every year the past four years, Miggy increases his fatty meat intake come October before nesting in the batting cages," whispered Leyland, carefully shining a flashlight into the clubhouse window to check on the players. "But this year with everyone together, it's special. It's a team bonding experience. We don't wanna ruin that."
#1 Extremely expensive food
What's the best way to impress a date? Take her to an expensive restaurant, of course!
But even the most expensive 5-star restaurant in town doesn't charge $6 for soda or $5 for water. This concession stand does, though so it must be the best restaurant in town! Your date will no doubt be impressed by your big-spending ways and your ways in the art of love.
#2 Fine clothing
The finest establishments require patrons to wear expensive clothing. See that guy over there in that jersey? And that guy there? And her over there? And me? These are authentic jerseys. They cost $250. That's right, baby 250. Just for a shirt. We're practically at a Milan fashion show here.
Fancy clothing. Expensive dinner. Now it's time to dance because they're playing Gangnam Style during the timeout! WOOOOOOOOO! Heyyyyyyyyy sex-y la-dy!
I guess they got walked a lot and/or had sacrifice flies.