Filed Under » MLB

1. Everyone roots for underdogs.

Look at the wisdom of everyone. See the highest-rated shows on broadcast TV? See the albums that are at the top of the charts? See the crap everyone shovels into their mouths? Everyone is a moron. Your life's goal should be to never go along with what everyone does.

2. Underdogs are just pre-overdogs.

How does one become a hated favorite? By winning. If an underdog wins, they're no longer an underdog. The moment that clock hits double-zeroes and they're ahead on the scoreboard, you're beloved "underdog" is an overdog and you're nothing but a front-running bandwagon fan.

3. Rooting for underdogs glorifies failure.

Want to know the only way to become an underdog? Weeks, months, years or even decades of sustained sucking. Yep, the only reason to become an underdog is by having a long track record of failure. And now you're going to cheer that team on? You're going to put all of your support behind an outfit that was defined by stinking? You're going to reward failure over sustained excellence? Wow. No wonder the world's going down the crapper. You and your underdog-loving brethren are to blame.

Arizona Diamondbacks: You would attend more games if all the seats at Chase Field were in a swimming pool.

Atlanta Braves: You don't understand how anyone can really believe that great pitching is the key to winning a championship.

Baltimore Orioles: You think one of the most beautiful things ever created by man is a warehouse.

Boston Red Sox: You are kind of hoping for back-to-back losing seasons so you can talk to your dad and grandfather about the misery of being a Boston Red Sox fan.

Chicago Cubs: You are disgusted with all of the losing and won't put up with it anymore. And then you have your fifth beer and feel pretty good about everything again.

Chicago White Sox: You can't understand why anyone would want to go to a shitty old stadium like Wrigley Field when they could go to a shitty newer stadium like U.S. Cellular Field.