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David Restovich resigned today as the team nutritionist of the Detroit Tigers, a position he had held with the team for 17 years.

“I don’t have another job lined up. I don’t know what I’m going to do, to tell you the truth,” said Restovich, a married father of five. “But I obviously couldn’t stay here where my expertise would not be used or appreciated.”

The nutritionist’s resignation comes less than 24 hours after the Tigers signed Prince Fielder, adding him to a portly roster that includes Miguel Cabrera, Jose Valverde and Gerald Laird.

“A nutritionist for the Tigers in 2012 is no different than being a Conestoga wagon salesman in 2012,” said Restovich. “In fact, it’s probably worse. The Tigers could actually use Conestoga wagons to haul all of their fat-ass players onto the field each inning.”

In a secret typewritten letter smuggled out of the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea, former Major League Baseball pitcher Chan Ho Park expressed terror and confusion over how he had suddenly become the supreme leader of the mysterious and oppressive nation.

“Three weeks ago I was out flying my kite in a park, when all of a sudden three strong men threw me into a van and knocked me unconscious,” Park wrote in the letter. “When I awoke, I was dressed as a military commander and was being goaded to kiss the waxy corpse fingers of Kim Jong-il.”

After leaving the United States after the 2010 season, Park gained some 70 pounds due to a diet heavy in saturated fats and taffy. His appearance closely resembles that of Kim Jong-il’s youngest son, Kim Jong-un, who was reported by official State media to be his father’s successor.

Park’s letter describes a bizarre arrangement where he is alternately praised and threatened by his attendants, who fear his supreme authority but must also intimidate him into maintaining the charade. In one instance, Park was made to select a wife from a crowd of hundreds of weeping women, all of whom were dressed as Tommy Lasorda. In another, he was forced to make a threatening phone call to the U.N., where he said he’d leak naked pictures of the delegation if they didn’t ship a million tons of rice to North Korea by the end of the day.