Athletes get a lot of fan mail. Here we share with you correspondence between sports personalities and their adoring public.

August 12, 2006

Dear Jim [Tressel]:

Hope this letter finds you well. I’m sure you are preparing for the upcoming season. I hear we are the preseason No. 1 – fantastic!

Unfortunately, things aren’t going too well for me. It turns out I got arrested again. Apparently there’s a law against being drunk while speeding with machine guns and a hatchet in tow. Who knew? Anyway, my bail was set pretty high. Five million big ones – way above what I can afford.

So I’m writing to see if you can do me a big favor. Can you hook me up with all of those boosters who use to pay me and give me cars and TVs and everything? I remember you used to send those guys my way all the time when I was in school. But they’ve seen to have lost interest ever since I stopped playing. But now is when I really need them. All I’m asking for is $500,000 – that’s a good bit less than what I got before – in order to make bail.

Get back to me as soon as possible. I follow up with you tomorrow. (My call will come up on your caller ID as “County Jail.”)

Sincerely,

Maurice

P.S. – Did you know that stun guns do absolutely nothing to you if you wear a flak jacket? It’s true. Unfortunately, though, they do nothing with mace.