Athletes get a lot of fan mail. Here we share with you correspondence between sports personalities and their adoring public.

July 11, 2006

Dear Fellow All-Stars:

Please take me with you. Please, I beg of you. Don’t leave me here in Pittsburgh.

I so enjoyed spending the last few days in my home stadium with other baseball players – and I mean REAL baseball players. Guys who can make contact with the ball more often that not. Guys who can throw a ball in the general vicinity of a teammate’s glove. Guys who don’t drop fly balls or let grounders go through their legs. It was a breath of fresh air. I never knew baseball could be like this.

But now that you are all leaving and going back to your own cities it feels as though the air is being sucked out of my lungs. I’m suffocating here surrounded by all these poor excuses for major league players.

Please, I’ll do anything you ask. I don’t even want to start on your teams. Just a roster spot would be great. I’ll pinch hit, whatever. Heck, I’ll be a bat boy. But I can’t take anymore losing and there is no end to it in sight here.

Just let me come with you. I’ll carry your bags and drive you to the airport and everything. I know some shortcuts from the stadium to beat traffic. Please!

Sincerely,

Jason Bay
Pittsburgh Pirates

P.S. – My teammate, Freddy Sanchez, would like to be rescued, too. He can play several positions and promises that you’ll hardly even know he is around. Please save us!