Athletes get a lot of fan mail. Here we share with you correspondence between sports personalities and their adoring public.

Dear Coach D’Antoni –

Welcome to the Knicks! As your new players, we wanted to make you feel welcome by giving you the lay of the land and letting you know how things work around here.

First of all, let’s be real: all of us – you included – are massively, comically overpaid. So you scratch our back and we’ll scratch yours. Understood? We’re all in this together. If one of us tries hard, it makes the rest of us look bad. So giving no effort in unity is the way to do it. Also, if you could literally scratch Eddy Curry’s back from time to time, he would greatly appreciate it. He can’t reach vast expanses of it.

What else? Oh, yeah – please feel free to utilize the outstanding intern program we have here. As you probably know, New York is full of beautiful women. Unfortunately, none of them work as our interns. However, our interns put out like crazy. Grab an intern, an SUV with tinted windows and you’ll forget our latest 30-point loss as soon as you can muffle her annoying, New Jersey accent with your crotch.

Most everything else you’ll figure out soon enough. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask any of us, although know that Stephon often isn’t around because he often doesn’t feel like being around.

Sincerely,

Your New York Knicks

PS – We hope you are kidding with all that talk about putting in place a running, up-tempo offense. If you make Eddy drop over dead, we’ll sue you for all your worth. (And we know it’s a lot now! And you should know that we all can afford very good attorneys!)