“...darned funny stuff...hilarious...dare...the” - On Frozen Blog

“...I am laughing so hard that I can barely breathe...of...has...are” - Sports Frog

“...great for beaches...moderately pleasing for fishing...poor for spelunking” – Cracked

“...The best $12.95 you will ever spend on a DJ Gallo book...” - Mondesi’s House

“...our staff recommends...” - Kissing Suzy Kolber
[Heh. They said “staff.”]

Braves minor leaguer Aaron McAndrew briefly delayed his team’s game last night when home plate umpire Bud James asked him to leave one of his five tools in the dugout.
“It was for his own safety,” said James. “The belt sander was unplugged so there’s no chance it would turn on or anything. But if he fell on it while sliding or diving for a ball, he could have broken a rib or something.”
McAndrew, rated by “Baseball America” as Atlanta’s top prospect, hits for average and power, steals bases, has a good throwing arm and uses a belt sander.
“He is as good a prospect as I’ve seen in years,” say Braves general manager Frank Wren. “No, he’s not perfect. For example, I’d prefer him being a good fielder over his odd fascination with belt sanding. But I still think he’ll be a very good major leaguer one day.”

“Oh, yeah. I didn’t just start rooting for the New Orleans Hornets in the last few weeks. That’s ridiculous,” said your co-worker. “I have been a fan of them my whole life. I remember watching them as a kid back in ’86 when they had ... you know ... those guys who were real good and stuff.”
Sporting his new New Orleans Hornets tie, your co-worker said your implication that he only just recently started talking about the Hornets is misguided.
“What? Two weeks ago I was saying that I am a lifelong Spurs fan? You’re crazy. That supposed Spurs tattoo on my wrist is just an unfortunate birthmark. I hate the Spurs. I hate them so darn much.”
Your co-worker also expressed his opinion that Chris Paul is the greatest player in basketball history.
“Without a doubt. It’s not even close,” he said. “He’s No. 1. Then I guess LeBron James. Then Kobe Bryant. And then that one guy who hit that last shot in the college basketball title game. He looked awesome. I had them in my tournament pool.”           

The 134^th running of the Kentucky Derby proved to be one of the most exciting ever, as 19 of the 20 horses in the field crumpled to the track with various limb injuries and were euthanized, even while Big Brown – courageously nursing a fracture of the front-left hoof, a partially dislocated face and a tail that spontaneously combusted – painfully limped to the finish line while scream-naying.
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Cavaliers bench player Anderson Varejao notched a mildly impressive triple-single – 1 point, 1 steal and 2 rebounds – in 11 minutes of action in Game 1 of  Cleveland’s Eastern Conference semifinal series against the Boston Celtics.
“I came in off the bench and I contributed,” said Varejao. “I have the stat line to prove it, too. Check it out: 1, 1 and 2, baby. It may not be a triple-double like LeBron gets, but it’s something. It’s something.”
Varejao says that if he was given the opportunity to start and play big minutes, he could post a lot more than a triple-single.
“Maybe not a triple-double. But maybe a triple-single with higher numbers. Seven points maybe? Four rebounds? Who knows – maybe even a quadruple-single,” he said. “Oh, what? Why are you laughing? You don’t think getting a triple-single is good? Screw you. What have you ever done? I’m an NBA basketball player.”

Okay, I apologize for that. I know that none of you come to a sports satire site to read about politics. And I also know that many of you are probably Hillary Clinton supporters, and therefore must be “hard-working” “white people.” Whereas the rest of you are either “effete” white “elitists” or super-lazy blacks, the three categories of people we have in this country, I have learned. Anyway, as an olive branch to my Clinton-supporting readers, and to get back on the topic of sports, I offer you this: “Hey, how about that David Eckstein, huh? He is sure is white and scrappy, eh?” There. We’re all good again.

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