Hoping to jumpstart his slumping team, Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen today switched F—ktard and Dickface in the team’s lineup, hoping that batting the streaking Dickface in front of Assmonkey at cleanup will allow Assmonkey to get more pitches to hit.

            “That f—king F—ktard has been in a big f—king slump for a goddam month,” said Guillen. “I had to move him down in the f—king lineup. If he keeps it up, I’ll bench him in favor of A—hole.”

            A—hole has hit well in limited action since being called up from Triple-A, but Guillen says he doesn’t want to give up yet on F—ktard.

            “A—hole is the future, no f—king doubt. But F—ktard has proven himself for years,” said Guillen. “It’s just a slump. God knows F—ktard has been in them before and he’ll be in them again. I just wish he’d stop hitting the ball like a f—ktard ASAFP.”

            After opening the season at 14-10, Guillen’s White Sox have dropped six of seven to fall below .500.

            “The weather starts getting a little f—king bit warmer and we start playing like a bunch of lazy f—king Venezuelans,” said Guillen. “Well, the siesta is over motherf—kers. Stop being f-ggots, show you’re a man, mount a blowup doll and let’s get back to winning baseball games, a—holes.”

            Guillen says he can’t bear the media scrutiny that would come from a continued losing stretch.

            “Let me be clear here. No cursing our anything,” he said. “Honest. No cursing. Jay Mariotti is a giant douchebag. Did I say that correctly? Bag de douche? That’s Jay Mariotti. Okay? Are we clear? Curse f—king mode back the f—k on then.”

With Guillen’s lineup switch of Dickface and F—ktard, Chicago’s primary starting batting order will now look like this: Taintstain, Cockhead, Dickface, Assmonkey, Sh-tballs, Gayboy, F—ktard, Vagina and Juan Uribe.

            “I think that f—king order can f—king hit,” said Guillen. “We just need to f—k sh-t balls piss cock a—hole f—k whore sh-t f—k f—k sh-t f—k sh-t.”