With Jon Kitna and Kurt Warner both struggling down the stretch, God is said to be looking at taking a quarterback in the first round this April in order to bolster his squad at the vital position.

            “Kurt Warner and Jon Kitna have both been loyal, hard-working members of the team for a long time,” says draft analyst Mel Kiper. “But it has become painfully obvious that their best days are behind them and that it’s time for God’s Squad to look to the future.”

            Kiper rates seniors Brian Brohm of Louisville, Matt Ryan of Boston College and Colt Brennan of Hawaii as his top quarterbacks available in this spring’s draft, and sees Ryan as the most logical choice.

            “Ryan goes to BC, a Catholic school, so he might be the best for the system that God runs,” says Kiper.

            But a retired football scout who worked a bit for God in the 1990s before quitting to have an affair with a cheerleader says none of the top quarterbacks available in the draft are a good fit for The Almighty’s squad right now.

            “You have to remember, The Man Upstairs looks for a specific kind of quarterback, and I’ve heard Brohm, Ryan and Brennan partake in some, shall we say – extracurricular activities that could push them of His radar. But who knows – anything can happened between now and the draft.”

            Exactly. God could give his top-rated quarterback a cancer scare or a car accident between now and the draft in hopes of getting a buy-in to His system. Or, He may ultimately go in another direction on draft day.

            “Quarterback isn’t the only concern,” says Kiper. “God’s Linebacker, Ray Lewis, is old and well past his prime, too. I mean, this is an old, beat up team with rapidly declining skills. You throw in Joe Gibbs as their coach, and they are in dire need of some excitement and new blood. But then, getting youth has always been a problem for the God Squad. The team tends to be populated by the old and infirmed. They might be better off focusing on replacing Ray Lewis this year and then waiting a year or two to draft Tim Tebow when he comes out.”

            Warner says that if his team is over at the helm of the team, he will – as always – accept God’s will.

            “I just don’t want to hurt the squad,” said Warner. “I prayed and prayed and prayed for some mobility and a bit more durability, but it doesn’t look like I’m going to get them. Maybe I should have skipped the prayer and instead taken advantage of the fact that nowhere in the Bible does it prohibit the use of HGH. Well, there’s always tomorrow, God-willing.”