With his malpractice lawsuit against two surgeons who did a gastric bypass surgery on him thrown out by a Boston jury this week, Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis has turned his legal team on the culprits he deems truly are to blame for his sorry physical state: delicious bacon double cheeseburgers.

            “I am disappointed with the jury’s findings in the malpractice case, but it’s time I take my grievances where they belong, and that’s to the scrumptious bacon double cheeseburgers that greasily tempt me every hour of every day,” said Weis. “They are completely irresponsible in their deliciousness. I don’t see how any man can hope to resist their call.”

            Weis said he chose to sue bacon double cheeseburgers themselves because he can not decide on one specific bacon double cheeseburger maker to target.

            “They all make bacon double cheeseburgers in their own specially delicious way,” said Weis through a mouthful of bacon double cheeseburger. “Wendy’s throws jalapeno peppers on it. Denny’s piles on the cheese. TGI Friday’s puts on onion strips. No one is more delicious than the other. They are all equally delicious. I truly believe that it is impossible to make an un-tasty bacon double cheeseburger. In fact, I welcome someone to try. I will eat all of your attempts to see if you’ve made one. Please contact me about this at your earliest convenience.”

            Weis also says he is not aiming his lawsuit at a specific eatery because he does not want to get on any restaurant’s bad side.

            “Let’s say I only sued Wendy’s,” said Weis. “Well, then what would I do if they refused to let me in their stores? I would be devastated. I eat their bacon double cheeseburger on Monday’s for dinner, Tuesday’s for lunch, Wednesday’s for late breakfast and dinner, Thursday for lunch, Friday for lunch, Saturday for dinner and Sunday for dinner and smunch, which is an additional daily meal I invented.”

            William Munson, Weis’ lead attorney, says he is excited to take the case to bacon double cheeseburgers.

            “This is new legal ground,” said Munson. “No one has ever filed suit against a sandwich before? Do we have a chance to win? I don’t know. Bacon double cheeseburgers sure are delicious. I guess it will depend on the jury. If we can fill it with people sympathetic to Charlie – you know, fat pigs who have no self-control and would rather blame other people than put down the ice cream and maybe get some exercise a few times a week – we might have a chance.”