Notre Dame head football coach Charlie Weis took a personal approach to motivating his team today following a 47-21 blowout defeat against Michigan last Saturday, vowing he will eschew all form of solid foods for 20 consecutive minutes if the Fighting Irish lose another game the rest of the season.

            “Hunger strikes are powerful tools for change,” said Weis. “Mahatma Gandhi used them to protest English rule in India. St. Patrick, the patron of Ireland, engaged in hunger strikes, too. And now you can add my name to that list. Although, I’d like to make it clear that my hunger strike would be different in that I would still allow for the ingestion of non-solid foods like milkshakes, pudding and bacon grease. I don’t consider those to be real foods.”

            Weis informed his team of his plan at practice this morning.

            “Charlie told us that he wanted to show he has a personal stake in our success and that he puts this team above his own physical comfort and well-being,” said quarterback Brady Quinn. “He told us while taking bites from huge turkey legs, one in each hand. He explained that if he’s going to go on a 20-minute hunger strike at some point, he needs to fill up his stomach sufficiently now. Which I understand. But that doesn’t explain why he always addresses us while eating turkey legs. Who knows, though – maybe he’s been planning this hunger strike idea for a while.”

            Weis said he chose a hunger strike as a motivational tool because he knew it would let his players know how serious he is.

            “At first I was thinking I would tell them I wouldn’t work out for a year if we lost again, but I think they’d kind of see right through that,” said Weis, “being that I’m a bit of a pig and haven never worked out in my entire life. That’s what gastric bypass surgery is for. Anyway, my second idea was that I would promise not to use the deep fryer that I have in my office, but that would serve no purpose because I could still use the deep fryer that’s in my car or I could just have someone get me take-out orders – which I would probably then take to the deep fryer in my car and deep fry, bag and all. So after a lot of thought, I went with the 20-minute hunger strike idea. It will be bad, but not nearly as bad as if we lose another game.”

            Following last week’s embarrassing destruction at the hands of the Wolverines, Quinn says he and his teammates should need no further motivation than trying to restore their image as a top-flight team. But he says Weis’s hunger strike vow will give them that extra edge.

            “To some people a 20-minute hunger strike may not sound like much, especially when you factor in that he’s given himself clearance for shakes, soups, and ice cream and the like,” said Quinn. “But we’re talking about Charlie Weis here. He even eats when he sleeps. Seriously. He used money from his new contract to hire a guy to drip hot fudge in his mouth when he’s sleeping. So 20 minutes is an eternity for him and we have no desire to subject our coach to that kind of suffering.”