Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz stepped up again in the clutch last night, bringing his wife to orgasm right when it seemed all hope was lost.

“He had been going to town on top of me for a good five minutes and I was feeling absolutely nothing,” said Shelley Ortiz. “I was just hoping it would end soon. But then right when it seemed like it was about to be over, he shifted his position, I got a little bit excited and then – BOOM! – with one mighty thrust a huge orgasm out of nowhere and it was all over. Just amazing stuff. I don’t know why I was doubting it would happen, though. He always comes through in the clutch for me. I’m really lucky to have him.”

Ortiz says he loves to be called upon in clutch situations.

“If I don’t step up for my wife, then what good am I? She takes care of me and loves me, so the least I can do is come through for her in the clutch at the end of the day when she needs it,” said Ortiz. “The way I look at it is – the first five, 10, 20 or however many minutes of sex can be awful, but as long as at the end my wife has her eyes rolled back in her head, yelling and screaming my name, then I’ve done my job. Now, you look at someone like Alex Rodriguez. He probably takes his wife out to a fancy dinner, to the opera, holds her hand all night long – but then gets home with her all primed and ready to go and then can’t even get it up. That’s not the way I do it. And trust me, if Alex keeps doing that she’ll start looking elsewhere. And when that happens, she can give me a call. Big Papi won’t disappoint.”

Ortiz’s teammates say they are not the least bit surprised by their leader’s exploits in bed.

“He’s clutch in everything he does. It’s not just on the field,” said starter David Wells. “The other night before my start I was on the phone ordering a pre-game pizza for myself and I was about to hang up when David came over to me and reminded me not to forget to ask for extra cheese on the pizza as well as a few extra containers of garlic butter sauce. And he was right – I love extra cheese and garlic butter sauce! It was so clutch.”

Shortstop Mark Loretta says he witnessed Ortiz coming through in the clutch big time for teammate Manny Ramirez just last night.

“Somebody had cooked a piece of chicken on one of those George Foreman grills in the trainer’s room,” said Loretta. “And Manny all of a sudden walks up and starts to lean down to lick the chicken juice right off the grill like the total moron that he is, totally oblivious to the fact that he would burn his mouth off. Well, luckily, right in the nick of time, Papi saw him and yelled across the locker room: ‘No, Manny! No! Grill hot! Don’t lick grill! No, Manny. Bad Manny.’ Of course, all Manny did was look up with a confused expression on his face and then skip off down the hall, but Big Papi coming through like that prevented Manny from getting third degree burns on his lips and tongue. The guy is so clutch.”