Seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong issued a statement today vehemently denying the claims of everyone who ever met him.

            “Despite what each and every human being who has ever had contact with me in any way has said, I have not used performance-enhancing drugs, nor have I threatened anyone. Why all of these people are saying this stuff is beyond me. But whose word are you going to trust here, me – or a few thousand people who have negative things to say about me? That’s an easy choice the way I see it – the person to trust is me, Lance Armstrong. I beat cancer, for crying out loud.”

            Armstrong issued his statement because of recent allegations from former Tour champion Greg LeMond that Armstrong threatened him after LeMond made public statements doubting Armstrong was drug-free during his career.

            “First of all, his allegations are absolutely ridiculous on their face. I mean, why would I threaten a guy for alleging I’m a cheater – an allegation that could destroy the empire I’ve built?” said Armstrong. “That’s absurd. But beyond that, I won seven Tours. How many did LeMond win? I have no idea, but not many, I know that. Therefore, my word is better than his based on my superior bicycle racing skills alone. Plus, you may remember that I beat cancer. And, it pains me to say this, but you have to start wondering if LeMond and all of my other detractors are on the side of cancer. You’ll have to ask them that yourself, but I’m pretty sure I know their answer and it’s this: ‘We love cancer and that’s why we are trying to destroy Lance Armstrong with all of these completely baseless claims we keep making.’”

            LeMond’s allegations are just the latest of dozens and dozens leveled against the cycling legend – most of which say Armstrong used illegal drugs while winning his seven consecutive Tours.

            “The whole thing is just silly,” says Armstrong. “So what that nearly everyone I came in contact with during my career thinks I’m a cheat, from fellow competitors to racing officials to former teammates. There’s one thing we need to remember about these people – many of them are French. And we all know about French people, am I right? I mean, really. They’ll do anything they can to destroy an American. They’ll lie. They’ll steal drugs out of your belongings to use as evidence. They’re relentless. And it’s all because they hate Americans. And freedom. Americans and freedom. Oh, and they love cancer. Which I had, by the way.”

            Armstrong says he released his statement today to head-off the story that is set to break tomorrow in which his children and mother will accuse him of blood doping during his career.

            “Liars, each and everyone one of them,” said Armstrong. “My kids’ brains aren’t even fully developed yet, so they can’t be trusted, and my mom probably has Alzheimers. Plus, they all spent a lot of time in France over the years watching me race, so they were probably tainted by their exposure to the culture. I just wish I knew why everyone I ever knew won’t keep their mouth shut and let me get on with my life.”