Ghana is reportedly about to discover that if their national soccer team beats the U.S. on Thursday, thereby eliminating Team USA from the World Cup, the troubled African nation can kiss goodbye any future AIDS funding from the United States.

            “We’re trying to improve our image around the world, and one way we can do that is by showing that we take soccer as seriously as everyone else does,” says Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. “So Ghana is on notice – win on Thursday if you want to, but know that there’s a lot more on the line than just a soccer game.”

            The United States has donated billions to the poverty and disease-stricken continent in recent years, far more than any other country, but Rice says all future money will be directed away from the tiny West African country if it defeats or ties Team USA.           

            “We’re not trying to bully anyone here,” said Rice. “But we have to keep our own interests in mind from time to time. Having our soccer team advance far into the World Cup allows us to show the world through our play on the field that we are not an evil people, that we don’t have horns and fangs. But, hey – if Ghana thinks they don’t need us and can fight all their ills with money donated by Liechtenstein and Portugal and Romania and the like, more power to them. Just don’t come crying to us when the check for $39.75 from Romania can’t feed your whole country.”

            Secretary Rice says she has fully informed Ghana’s coaches and players, as well as Team USA, of what is riding on Thursday’s game.

            “This is just the kind of boost we need,” said U.S. forward Landon Donovan. “Every little edge helps. England has their huge fan support, Brazil has their unmatched talent level, Germany has the advantage of being the host of the tournament, and we have being the world’s only superpower and the threat that we will bomb you or cut off funding to you if you dare cross us. That’s going to be tough for our opponents to overcome.”

            U.S. coach Bruce Arena said he saw Ghana star Michael Essien out at dinner last evening in Nuremberg and subtly broached the subject.

            “I went up to him and introduced myself,” said Arena. “Then I mentioned how horrible the scourge of HIV and AIDS is in Africa, and how that really puts soccer into its proper perspective. He just kind of nodded knowingly. He understood. I don’t expect we’ll have too much problem with them on Thursday. And if we do, well – then they are really rather despicable human beings, because they’re putting a lot of lives at risk.”