According to inside sources with knowledge of the discussions between NFL owners over the latest collective bargaining proposal from the Players Association, team owners have yet to reach agreement due to Jerry Jones’s insistence that at least 10-percent of league revenues be made available for plastic surgery.

            “Jerry keeps saying how the owners are the faces of their franchises and, as such, those faces need to be maintained and updated with the most cutting-edge plastic surgery available today,” said an owner who wished to remain anonymous. “He is unwilling to budge on his insistence that league money be used for the procedures.”

            Many NFL owners are worried that Jones’s demands will doom any hope of a resolution.

            “This is just another example of Jerry Jones only being interested in what’s best for Jerry Jones and not caring about anyone else,” said a source. “He seems completely oblivious or just unconcerned with the fact that all the other owners have no interest in getting plastic surgery, and especially not in using league money to get it done. Just because he wants to look like some sort of half-man, half-plastic freak doesn’t mean the rest of us should have to fit the bill. The thing is, since he is so steadfast on this, he could sabotage everything and we might not get a new collective bargaining agreement place and all hell could break loose. So it looks like it’s going to be plastic surgery for all. Which might not be too bad, because I’m getting tired of looking at Dan Rooney’s sagging face all the time.”

            Players Association chief Gene Upshaw says he has no problem with Jones using league revenues on plastic surgery, as long as it doesn’t come out of the players’ pockets.

            “We want our 60-percent share of revenues, and that’s final,” said Upshaw. “If Jones and the other owners want to use 10-percent of what’s left to butcher their faces in a futile attempt to stay young, have at it. Al Davis can use league money on a defibrillator to start up his heart every morning for all I care, but it has to come out of the owners’ share.”

            While most see the 10-percent figure as extremely high – a figure that totals more than a hundred million dollars – Jones insists it is the best for the long run.

            “Who knows what will happen in plastic surgery in the coming years,” he said. “They could discover a way to completely restore your face to what it was like when you were 18 years old. I, for one, don’t want to miss out on that simply because I can’t afford it. And regardless, the amount I spend annually on Botox, facelifts, and other cosmetic procedures is really starting to take a toll on my bank account. But you know what they say – looking this good isn’t easy.”