Country music duo Big & Rich, whose music has received heavy radio play in the last year – in addition to extensive use on ESPN in commercials for the World Series of Poker and College Gameday – were beaten to death early this morning upon their long-awaited arrival in your ci-tay.

            “They had been promising for months that they were coming to our ci-tay,” said your ci-tay’s mayor. “Turns out it was a bad move on their part. When word spread that they had arrived at the airport, within minutes an angry horde of at least 1,000 appeared and began delivering a vicious beating. Ci-tay police were called to the scene, but upon learning that it was Big & Rich who were being beaten to death, allowed our ci-tay’s residents to go on killing them. Some police officers even helped or allowed people to use their night sticks.”

            Bishop Joseph McKeon, the bishop of your ci-tay’s Catholic diocese, took part in the murder of the talentless pair.

            “By no means do I consider myself a violent person,” Bishop McKeon said. “Jesus taught that violence is never the answer. But I do consider myself a fan of good music, and as a responsible citizen I could not allow those pieces of crap to continue polluting the airwaves. I merely removed by collar and then reigned down upon them a fury that the God of the Old Testament would be pressed to match. If it was a sin to kill Big & Rich, so be it. I am at peace with that. But I’d guarantee that if God ever heard their music he wouldn’t think it was a sin. He’d probably kill them himself. All we did was save Him some work.”

            Big & Rich burst onto the scene in 2004 with their unique brand of country rock, and their unfathomable hit – “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” – was played non-stop in ESPN’s poker commercials. The network used the duo’s latest single, “Comin’ To Your City,” in commercial’s for College Gameday’s many nationwide stops this season.

            “Being that they hadn’t come to our ci-tay yet and the college football season is pretty much over, I was thinking we had been mercilessly spared,” said your neighbor, Jim, who personally delivered the fatal blow to Big’s head with a skull-caving smack with his garden hoe. “Unfortunately, I was wrong. I’ll give them one thing though – they keep a promise. If they say they’re coming to your ci-tay, they come to your ci-tay whether you like it or not. Thankfully they’re dead now though, so they’ll never again taint our ci-tay or any other ci-tay with their shi-tay music.”