Scooter – FOX’s animated, talking baseball who appears during every game the network broadcasts to explain in elementary, kid-friendly language how various pitches swoop, dip and curve – instead tried to explain during last night’s Astros-White Sox telecast how FOX color commentator Tim McCarver has yet to be fired.

            “We get tons of e-mails and calls from viewers saying how much Tim McCarver sucks and how he needs to be fired. Or even killed. In fact, far more than people who ask us how certain pitches are thrown,” said FOX Sports CEO David Hill. “So we thought – hey, we have the technology with Scooter all ready to go, why not have him try to explain Tim McCarver’s continued employment to our viewers?”

            During the bottom of the seventh inning last night, after a series of particularly moronic statements from McCarver, FOX cut to a prepackaged Scooter segment called “How Tim McCarver Still Has a Job.”

            Scooter began by welcoming viewers in his high-pitched voice: “Hello fans. This is Scooter. Tonight I’m here to explain to you how Tim McCarver still hasn’t been fired after all these years of horrendous and somehow increasingly terrible color commentary on this network.”

            The animated baseball then stared into the camera for the next 20 seconds, saying nothing and only blinking his huge eyes a few times as a pained look came over its face. Finally, he added: “I don’t have a [bleeping] clue. McCarver’s a [bleeping] idiot.”

            “Another great spot from Scooter,” said FOX play-by-play man Joe Buck after the segment. “I honestly don’t know how you have a job still either, Tim. You truly are a moron.”

            “You should talk, Joe,” responded McCarver. “People hate you almost as much as me.”

            FOX’s Hill said he was happy with the segment.

            “Boy, that Scooter sure is a lot of fun,” said Hill. “He’s just one of the many reasons people love watching baseball on FOX. Unfortunately, the cost that goes into producing his spots doesn’t leave us any money to afford to hire a better announcing duo than those dipsh-ts Buck and McCarver.”