Sudanese refugees issued a desperate plea today to the International Fedration of Competitive Eating (IFOCE), begging the organization to hold a future competitive eating competition in the country’s Darfur region.

            IFOCE organizes dozens of the world’s premier glutton events, including the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, the World Rib-Eating Championship, the GoldenPalace.com Grilled Cheese Eating Contest and the World Shoo-Fly Pie-Eating Championship.

            The tattered letter sent to the IFOCE, which was signed by more than 3,000 starving Sudanese refugees, requested that just one of the organization’s 26 competitive eating competitions be held in Darfur.

            “Please, please, for the love of God and all that is good, please bring one of your events to us,” read the statement. “We promise eating the likes of which you have never seen before. Most of us have been starving for years, and could easily put away hundreds upon hundreds of hot dogs, watermelons, buffalo wings, ribs or really anything in whatever time you allot. Please, just give us a shot. We are so very hungry. We’ll eat anything at all. Bugs, dirt, cow testicles. Anything. We could even eat Kobayashi. You people seem to have so much extra food while we have none. Please bring some to us. We will be eternally grateful.”

            While the IFOCE acknowledge receipt of the letter, it has no plans of holding an event in Darfur.

            “Most of our events are scheduled years in advance, so if these people truly want to host an officially-sanctioned competition, they need to submit a formal proposal just like everyone else,” said IFOCE president Doug Bartley. “And I really doubt they could eat as much as they think they can. The best competitive eaters have undergone years of training. Plus, the stomachs of people who are starving to death, as these Sudanese refugees are, actually atrophy so they can eat very little when finally given the opportunity. They wouldn’t be good enough at competitive eating for us to bother with them.”