In a move the organization hopes will deflect mounting pressure to change their nickname in light of the NCAA’s recent decision on American Indian nicknames and mascots, the Washington Redskins announced today that the team will donate 5-percent of stadium firewater sales to Native American groups.

            “Indians across the country should know that the Washington Redskins organization will support them and their savage culture to the death, even if that death should come because of scalping,” said owner Daniel Snyder. “That’s why 5-percent of firewater sales at FedEx Field this year will go to Indian organizations. Which I think most everyone would agree is more than generous since these people all own casinos nowadays.”

            In addition to the donation from beer sales, the team will offer several ways for fans to donate money, as well. Fans will be able to pay $5 at various booths around the stadium to toss a hatchet at the head of a blonde settler girl mannequin. Another $5 will get fans a Washington Redskins game program written in Tonto-like syntax and grammar: “Joe Gibbs. Coach football good. He like NASCAR. Many Super Bowls.”

            “Anyone who would still make the ludicrous claim that the Redskins name demeans Indians is completely hopeless. We obviously seek to honor them in everything we do,” said Snyder. “The Redskins are very respectful of coloreds of all hues.”