U.S. Army officials who have been criticized in recent weeks over what appears to have been a cover-up of the circumstances surrounding the friendly-fire death of Pat Tillman last year, are now saying that Tillman never was killed at all – and is still serving happily and healthfully in Afghanistan.

            “Yeah, Pat is alive and well. I don’t know where you got the impression that he died, you crazy cooks,” said Pat Royce, an Army spokesman, at a press conference announcing the news yesterday. “In fact, I have him here on satellite video phone to talk to you all. Oh ... whoops. Seems like the connection just went down. Oh, well. You’ll have to take my word for it.”

            Tillman, a former Arizona Cardinals safety who gave up millions and joined the Army Rangers after the 9/11 attacks, was the military’s recruiting poster child. But after Tillman was felled by a barrage of enemy bullets near Afghanistan’s border with Pakistan, top Army officials concealed the truth about his death until weeks after a nationally televised memorial service for the fallen hero.

            But now the same officials say that wasn’t even Tillman’s body in the flag-draped casket.

            “People are right that we haven’t been truthful about Pat Tillman’s death – that’s ‘cause he’s not dead and this whole time he’s been on a super-secret mission to capture Osama bin Laden, which he is about to do. Is that great or what!” said Royce.

            The Army does admit, however, that at first it did think Tillman was killed.

            “So picture this – there was this guy in his unit who looked a lot like him and had the name ‘Pat Sillman.’ Get it? Just like ‘Tillman’ but with an S instead of a T. That’s how we got confused,” said Royce. “It was just one little letter that messed us all up. Boy, were we embarrassed. But everything is cleared up now. So, we should really be mourning Pat Sillman, because Pat Tillman is still alive and well. Woo-hoo! High fives everyone!”

            Pressed by media members to try to get Tillman on the phone again to verify his story, Royce placed a call but said Tillman was unavailable.

            “It seems he stepped out not two seconds before I called. Sorry, fellas. It’s been hard to reach him lately,” he said.

            Royce then pointed to the back of the room, yelled: “Hey, look over there,” and then ran out of the press conference.