As Phil Jackson continues to ponder his next coaching destination, the former Bulls and Lakers head man says he has narrowed his choices down to four teams: the Heat, Pistons, Suns and Spurs. But Jackson claims it’s just a coincidence that those are the four remaining teams in the NBA Playoffs.

            “Far be it from me to take a coaching position with a team that’s ready-made to win a championship,” said Jackson. “No, sir. I like a stiff challenge when I take a job.”

            Despite the denial, Jackson wants to make up his mind before the NBA Finals are over next month, and then expects to take his new position before the final game of the championship round.

            “Once one of my four candidates gets to three wins in the Finals, one away from clinching the series, I expect my mind will be made up,” said Jackson. “It doesn’t matter if it’s 3 games to 2, 3 games to 1, or 3 games to none – I’ll take over at any stage.”

            Jackson is currently tied with former Boston coach Red Auerbach for most NBA titles as a head coach with nine. He said he has checked with the league office and has been told that as long as he is on the bench as a team’s official head coach for a Finals-clinching victory, he would be credited with another championship, even if he only coached the team to just its final victory the entire season.

            “Of course, I don’t care about individual accomplishments, thanks to Buddha and all that higher plain crap,” said Jackson. “But I thought that little tidbit about only having to coach the championship-clinching game to get the record was quite interesting, to say the least.”

            When he does make his decision and takes over the reins of the on-the-brink team, Jackson doesn’t expect to have much of a problem dealing with whichever coach he replaces.

            “Larry Brown, Gregg Popovich – sure they might have a gripe, but they’ll get over it. They’re fine coaches, but they’re nothing compared to me. I’m Phil freaking Jackson,” said Jackson. “And Stan Van Gundy and Mike D’Antoni, jeez – don’t get me started. I hardly ever even heard of those two. I’ve had loose stools with more basketball knowledge than those guys have combined. If I end up stepping in for one of them they should just consider themselves lucky if I let them live. It’s not like anyone would miss them if they were dead, not with Phil freaking Jackson in their place.”

            Jackson repeatedly stressed that finding a championship-ready club is not the sole factor in his decision-making process, however.

            “Ideally I’d like to find a team that has at least two Hall of Fame caliber players,” he said. “I’ve always had that and I don’t plan to change now. I only coach teams that a chimp could coach. Miami has my superstar requirement with Shaq and Dwyane Wade and Phoenix with Steve Nash and Amare Stoudamire, but Detroit worries me because they have no legitimate superstars, and with San Antonio I’m not sure if Manu Ginobili or Tony Parker are on that star level with Tim Duncan yet. But I’ll definitely consider any team that takes a commanding lead in the Finals.”

            Jackson will also consult with each team’s owner to determine how hot their daughters are.

            “I’ve had a good run with Jeannie Buss, but I’m getting tired of her. She’s well into her forties now and it’s starting to get gross,” said Jackson. “I need to trade up for an owner’s daughter that’s in her twenties or early thirties at the absolute latest. Late teens would be fine, too.”