As time runs out for Terri Schiavo, the severely brain-damaged Florida woman whose case has fueled furious debate throughout the country on the right-to-die issue, America turns to Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling, eagerly awaiting his opinion on the issue so it knows how to act.

            “From politics to steroids, Curt Schilling has everything figured out,” said President George W. Bush. “For some reason though, he has been silent on the Terri Schiavo case so far. If only he would tell us what he thinks, then we would all know the best course to take.”

            But if Schilling is to offer up his invaluable opinion, he must do so quickly, as Schiavo – without food or water for days – slips closer and closer to death.

            U.S. District Judge James D. Whittemore, who failed to overturn lower court rulings last week, said he was unable to issue a ruling without knowing Schilling’s thoughts.

            “He’s always so willing to jump in front of his camera and tell everyone about his opinions, but when I couldn’t find him on record anywhere on this case, there was no way I could make a ruling in good conscience,” said Whittemore.

            Thousands of people have begun gathering outside Schiavo’s medical facility in Pinellas Park, Florida, as well outside Boston’s spring training facility two hours south in Fort Myers, begging for Schilling to rule on the case. Several have even been arrested after breaking through police lines with paper and a pencil or a tape recorder, hoping to be able to take down Schilling’s thoughts.

            High-ranking Republicans have said they will call Schilling before Congress if they have to.

            “I wish someone would have asked him about Terri when he was up here a few weeks ago talking about steroids, but we can’t fix that now,” said House Majority Leader Tom Delay (R-Texas). “If Curt doesn’t come forward and tell us how to act, Senator Santorum and I are prepared to subpoena him.”

            “Curt knows all about medical ethics – don’t forget how he had to decide whether or not to pitch on that ankle last year in the playoffs,” said Senator Rick Santorum (R-Pennsylvania). “So please, Curt, we beg of you. Tell us what to do. I promise you you’ll get to be on TV a lot.”