Pittsburgh City Council voted unanimously on Monday that the city would totally do rookie Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger if he wants them to. The vote was rushed through after a petition with more than 500,000 signatures demanding action was delivered to the Council on Sunday.

            “This city is Big Ben-crazy right now and the people wanted some way to express their gratitude to him for turning the team around,” said Mayor Tom Murphy. “So, Ben, if you’re listening, we’re all more than happy to. Just say the word. We love you.”

            Roethlisberger is undefeated since taking over as the team’s starting quarterback in week three, most recently leading the Steelers to victory over the Patriots and Eagles.

            Just more than half of the signatures on the petition were from men, an interesting fact for a blue collar city with a minimal gay population.

            “Oh, yeah – definitely. I signed the petition,” said Gary Disardo, a retired steelworker form the city’s South Side. “I’m not gay or anything, but I would have sex with Ben Roethlisberger if he let me. And I wouldn’t even have to be drunk.”

            “This is not about gay or straight,” said Murphy. “It’s about Steelers football, and there’s nothing gay about that. It’s not even so much about the sex. This is just a way for us to show how much he means to us. If he doesn’t want us for sex, that’s okay. We’ll happily mow his lawn, pick up his mail for him, or start his car on cold mornings. Whatever he needs, the people of Pittsburgh are willing to give him so he remains happy and stays here forever.”

            Roethlisberger said he was very humbled by measure.

            “This city has been great to me from the first day I arrived here,” said Roethlisberger. “I need to keep my focus on the field right now, so I don’t think I’ll be taking them up on the offer, but maybe I’ll let some people do my grocery shopping for me or wash my car. Also, if any of the women who signed the petition want to send me their picture, that would be fine. I don’t really have time for dating right now and that would help weed out some of the uglier ones.”