Tom Coughlin rallied the German people this morning in his first-ever speech as Chancellor. His address focused on restoring discipline and national pride.

Coughlin gained control of the country this morning after an emergency referendum vote was called by the German parliament. Running as a member of the neo-Nazi National Democratic Party (NPD), the Giants’ coach received more than two-thirds of the vote.

“The German heritage of discipline, hard work and pragmatism is something I have long identified with,” said Coughlin. “I have imposed them on every organization I have been a part of and will do so again to ensure Germany regains its place as an unrivaled world power.”

Faced with a stagnant economy and rising unemployment, Schroeder and his Social Democrats lost popularity of late to the country’s far-right nationalistic parties. The German parliament held the emergency referendum after Coughlin expressed interest in the position after Sunday’s victory over the Redskins.

“I’m always looking for new challenges,” said Coughlin. “I feel that if I demand and receive discipline from the Giants players and the German people, there is no reason I can’t be successful as both coach and Fuhrer.”

“Fuhrer Coughlin has long been admired by many in Germany within the neo-Nazi party,” said Holger Apfel, a prominent neo-Nazi leader. “We were ecstatic to vote for him. His aggressive approach to leadership and willingness to eliminate those who are weak, as well as the poor economic conditions under which he gained power, beckons the great Adolph Hitler himself.”

But it is Coughlin’s many similarities to Hitler that have worried those within the Giants’ organization, as well as millions in Germany and across the world.

“Having Tom Coughlin in charge of one of the most powerful countries in the world is now a sobering reality,” said British Prime Minister Tony Blair. “We hope he will not resort to extreme positions that have marked the history of his career and the Nazi party, but he should consider himself warned that he will be met with stiff resistance should he step out of line. There will be no appeasement.”

Coughlin, however, expresses unabashed respect for the genocidal former dictator of Germany.

“It is undeniable that Hitler had many good ideas and accomplished numerous things for the German people during his reign,” said Coughlin. “He made some mistakes, yes, but I choose to model myself on his many positive characteristics. I do not choose to pick a fight with the rest of the world, but all those who stand in my way will be crushed.”

Coughlin said he will divide his required duties equally between the Giants and Germany.

“I will be working 20 hour days indefinitely and my time will be stretched very thin,” he said. “So it is absolutely imperative that everyone show up on time for scheduled meetings.”