Supposed Joy Brought to Dying Children Through Mandatory Visit of Indifferent Team

A measure of joy was reportedly brought to a handful of sick children yesterday when a few members of the New York Giants fulfilled a team requirement by stopping at New York’s St. Peter’s Children’s Hospital for a mandatory half-hour visit.

“Team policy says we all have to due some community service stuff,” said backup linebacker Nick Grimsley. “So we were overjoyed to visit these people and get it out of the way so our PR department would get off our backs about it until next year.”

Fifteen Giants visited the children, mugging for photos and signing autographs before quickly leaving after fulfilling their required visiting time of 30 minutes.

“It was okay,” said Billy Raymond, a nine-year old with leukemia. “I guess it’s neat to see the athletes close-up, but it was obvious that the vast majority of the players didn’t want to be here. It’s just a photo op for the team and a way for them to say they are giving back to the community. We’re not stupid. We know that. And to be honest, the commotion of all those guys coming into my room just made me tired and I need to have my energy up in order to beat this.”

Sarah Becker, an 11-year old with kidney disease, said she had hoped to meet her favorite Giants – Tiki Barber, Michael Strahan and Amani Toomer – when she heard about the visit, but was disappointed to see that they didn’t show up. “It seemed like the team only sent the scrubs to visit us,” said Becker. “My daddy says the stars only go to bigger stuff where there are more media exposure opportunities, like ribbon cuttings and stuff like that. I never even heard of half the guys who were here today and I’m a pretty big football fan.”

Daniel Lowenstein, a 12-year old suffering from a malignant brain tumor, said one of the players made an honest effort to encourage him but that it only made him more depressed about his condition. “This one guy – I can’t remember his name, I think he was backup running back or something – told me to never give up, which I thought was nice,” said Lowenstein. “But then he went on to tell me this story about how he sprained his ankle once in high school and came back in the game and scored two touchdowns and that if he could do that, then I could beat cancer. I wanted to say: ‘Dude, I could die of a friggin’ brain tumor here. You playing through a sprained ankle really isn’t comparable, you ignorant jerk.’ But I just cried silently, which I think he saw as a sign that his words really touched me, the idiot.”

Several of the players presented the children with gifts, including signed footballs, posters and t-shirts.

“I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with a football signed by five guys I never heard of,” said Jordan McClintock, a nine-year old paraplegic. “Playing football is how I got paralyzed. This will just serve as a constant reminder of that.”

The Giants proclaimed the visit to the hospital a complete success, declaring in a press release that “Giants players lit up the faces and hearts of dozens of children at St. Peter’s Children’s Hospital today, inspiring them to keep fighting to win, just like the team does each week on the football field. Enthusiastic team members gave the children Giants t-shirts, signed footballs and posters, providing a constant reminder of today’s visit and inspiring the children to fight on each day.”