Santa Signs with Nike 

Santa models his new hat with a Nike logo.

            “The Nike family is ecstatic to bring Santa into the fold,” said Phil Knight, chairman of Nike, Inc. “This relationship with him truly underscores Nike’s status as a ubiquitous, worldwide brand.”

            “I am excited to sign with Nike,” said Santa. “All I can say is, ‘Ho, ho, ho.’ The money I will receive throughout the life of the deal will enable me to continue bringing gifts to boys and girls for generations.”

            The endorsement contract is far-reaching, with Nike retaining all licensing rights to Santa, Mrs. Claus, the reindeer, elves, and sleigh, the North Pole and even Claus’s catchphrase: “Ho, ho, ho,” which will be the focal point of the first advertising campaign promoting the white-bearded man. Even shopping mall Santas are required to wear Nike-approved costumes and accept only gift wishes from children that are for Nike products under the terms of the agreement. In return, Claus receives much-needed money to continue operations of his toy factory and cover the monumental travel costs accrued each Christmas Eve in his around-the-world-in-one-night gift-giving trip.

            “Nike really pulled a coup here,” said Dale Heard, a sports apparel industry analyst and reporter for the Wall Street Journal. “It’s not just a deal with Claus, but with the entire machine that is Christmas. That $750 million price tag is a bargain.”

            And the crux of the deal is that Santa can only give children gifts each Christmas with the Nike logo, thus introducing the Nike brand to millions of well-behaved, young consumers – which could result in trillions in revenue down the road if those children become brand loyal.

            “That’s the part of the deal that really gets us pumped,” said Knight. “No one person can get Nike into the hearts and minds of the highly-desired 4-12 age group like Santa Claus. Now our logo will be in front of each and everyone one of them.”

            The performance-based elements of the contract, which could grow it to $1.25 billion total if met, depend on how well Claus is able to crack the Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist and Jewish markets, which make up more approximately 40 percent of the world’s population, but have long been loath to accept Santa, who is very closely associated with the Christian faith and the Western world.

            “We are very confident in the marketability of Santa to non-Christian peoples,” said Knight. “And we are ready to do anything we can to help him get to these people. We’ll slap a swoosh on a dreidel, a cow, or whatever. We just want to show that he is non-denominational and can give Nike-logoed apparel to people everywhere. ”

            Despite the obvious win-win situation for both Nike and Santa, many expressed dismay over the news of the deal, seeing it as just another example of corporate greed sullying a pure institution. But Claus says he had no choice but to sign the contract.

            “I’ve been running this operation for hundreds of years with almost zero outside funding,” he said. “In the modern world economy I could no longer afford to continue to keep making high-quality gifts for children without allaying some of my expenses somehow, most likely by laying off the elves and sending labor overseas. I either had to stop spreading the joy of Christmas or make this deal. It was a no-brainer for me.”