August 28, 2002

Rafael Palmeiro, Texas Rangers first baseman and Viagra spokesman, accidentally took a Viagra pill minutes before last night’s game versus Baltimore. The result was three of the most awkward innings of the slugger’s career, as his protective cup protruded noticeably under his uniform pants.

“I had a pretty bad headache before the game,” Palmeiro said. “I mean to take a few aspirin, but I was talking to A-Rod and grabbed the wrong bottle of pills. By the time I realized what I had done it was too late.”

Palmeiro’s arousal began in the top of the second inning, as his team was batting against Orioles starter John Stephens. “I got a few weird looks from the guys in the dugout,” Palmeiro said. “And John Rocker walked by and asked me if I was a ‘queer Asian.’”

After Carl Everett struck out to end the Rangers half of the second, Palmeiro jogged out of the dugout to take his position at first. “He was jogging kind of gingerly, with his groin oddly leading the rest of his body,” said Texas manager Jerry Narron. “And he couldn’t bend very well to field practice grounders. I knew something was up.”

Witnesses say that Eric Actonski, last night’s first base umpire, avoided eye contact with Palmeiro throughout the game. “I think my on-field erection made some people uncomfortable,” Palmeiro said.