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by Dan Hanzus
SportsPickle.com submission
... Decades of rampant speculation were confirmed as fact yesterday, as a document detailing former New York Jets star Joe Namath’s secret pact with the Devil was uncovered. The document, twelve pages in length and signed in Namath’s blood, was discovered by a janitor behind a file cabinet in Weeb Ewbank Hall at Jet headquarters.
... The Hall of Fame quarterback led the New York Jets to a 16-7 victory over the Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl III in what is widely considered to be the greatest upset in NFL history. Known for his good looks, brash personality, and white shoes, Namath shocked the football world by guaranteeing a victory in the contest, a game in which the Colts were favored to win by more than two touchdowns. The amazing win paved the way for the AFL-NFL merger of 1970, and the exposure made Namath an instant celebrity.
... There had been speculation for years that the win was the product of satanic bargaining. The Jets have not reached the NFL’s title game since that 1968 season, and have been the subject of bad play and worse luck in the nearly 35 years since.
... Provisions pulled from the text of the document include:
 |
| A sample page from Joe Namath's contract with Satan, signed in blood. |
Section 115d.- “Supporters of the franchise will be subject to eternal angst and mental torture. The supporters, also known as ‘fans’, will be rendered unable to change allegiances, instead being locked into a never-ending cycle of discontent.”
Section 452a.-“Rich Kotite will rise as the New York Jets leader, chaos and great peril will touch all involved.”
... Jets fans, coaches, and players had different reactions to the news. Jet co-captain and 10 year veteran linebacker Mo Lewis was happy to finally have an explanation to the ineptness. “It’s a bit of a relief in a way. It’s good that the problem we’re up against finally has a face. Unfortunately, the face is that of the Lord of the Underworld. I guess all we can do is play 110-percent and keep fighting.”
... The franchise’s complete ineptitude in its quest for a second Super Bowl trophy has authorities now tracing back over the past three decades for evidence of the pact’s consequences. Strong links to the pact include the eventual crippling of Namath’s knees, the Richard Todd Era, the awful logo introduced in the 70‘s, the Lou Holtz experiment, the weather during the 1982 AFC Championship Game, A.J. Dewey, Ken O’ Brien’s inability to move out of the pocket, Mark Gastineu’ s appearance in the “Walk Like An Egyptian” video, Giants Stadium, the Joe Walton Era, Al Toon’s concussion syndrome, the drafting of Blair Thomas, Dennis Byrd’s paralysis, Browning Nagle, the Pete Carrol Era, the Dan Marino “fake spike”, the Dexter Carter signing, the existence of Rich Kotite, the 1995 New York Jets, the 1996 New York Jets, Vinny Testaverde’s blown Achilles' tendon, Bill Parcells’ “retirement”, Bill Belechick, and the Al Groh Era.
... When reached via conference call late Tuesday night, Namath’s publicist said in a brief statement to the press, “Mr. Namath would like to apologize to the Jets organization, its fans, and to mankind in general for his unpardonable sins against them. He says that his intentions were good, and concedes now that he should of looked the document all the way through before signing.”