10 Reasons You Should Buy This Book Now

1. Half of the content in the book is original.

I’m not one of those web writers who compiled a bunch of stuff you already read online for free, put it in book form and then asked you to re-read it all … but this time at your own cost. That doesn’t seem right to me. And that’s not really writing a book. That’s having a printer, some glue and greed. I have all three, but I don’t plan to completely rip you off until at least my third or fourth book.

 2. There is something for fans of every sport.

The book is broken down into chapters for every sport under the sun – from baseball and basketball to golf, soccer and winter sports. There are even chapters on the Swedish sports of kubb and brannboll, as it has always been a dream of mine to reach the top of the Swedish sports-humor book bestseller list. (Fingers crossed!)

3. It is 320 easily-digestible pages.

Although the book weighs in at a hefty 320 pages – which makes it a handy self-defense weapon (no one will dare cross you if they know the pain of 320 paper cuts awaits them!) – the text is broken up into short snippets you can read quickly. That’s why my editor has called it an ideal book for bathroom reading. And he’s right. But I think what really makes it an ideal book for bathroom reading is because each page is perforated so you can easily tear them out to use on your hindquarters in case you’re out of toilet paper. You’re welcome!

4. Page 178 is awesome.

Just trust me on this – Page 178 is awesome. Or is it Page 148? I forget. It might be Page 278. Anyway, one of those pages is so awesome it’s worth the cost of the book all by its lonesome. In fact, Page 178 – or whatever it is – is so good, I guarantee you that after you read it, you won’t even be able to remember any of the other Page 178s you’ve read before. Really!

5. Purchasing my book will let you pretend you are smart.

So you think books are for nerds? Maybe you’re right. But if you buy my book you can impress girls by telling them you’re currently reading a book, while telling yourself it’s okay you’re reading THIS book because it’s not real literature. (Assuming “real literature” is defined as: “A book that does not include liberal usage of the word ‘douchebag.’”) 

6. Purchasing my book clears you of all future criminal charges.

I may be coming to your city, town or hamlet in the coming months to do a signing. You may want to punch me in the face. But if the face-punching you inflict upon me comes after you purchase a copy of the book – hey, no harm no foul. But if you specifically show up to punch me in the face and don’t buy a copy, well … I’m going to have to have you arrested.  

7. It is softcover.

Don’t want to carry around a bookbag or a purse? No worries. Just transport the book around with you in your pants. It’s soft cover means you, the consumer, have a no-chafe guarantee!

8. This book will change your life for the better!

Or at least it could. Say you are reading my book in the park and beautiful woman walks past you. Suddenly, a gust of wind blows off all of her clothes. She yells out: “Please! Someone cover my naked flesh and save my dignity!” You quickly spring to action and tear out pages of the book and place them over her unmentionables. She instantly falls madly in love with you for coming to her rescue. You then make passionate love to this beautiful woman for the rest of your life. And it’s all thanks to my book. (Note: if this scenario does happen to you, understand that no replacements will be given for the book you ripped apart. You’ll have to buy a new one. This isn’t a charity, people.)

9. You can take pride in helping create a bestseller.

Okay, so maybe not a “best”-seller, per se. But a “seller.” And if you purchase the book on Amazon.com - http://www.amazon.com/View-Upper-Deck-SportsPickle-Collection/dp/031236363X/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-8510073-8834314?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1177462316&sr=8-1 - you can see with your own eyes how your purchase impacts the book’s Amazon.com Sales Rank. Can you push it from 455,313 all the way up to 455,312? I bet you can! (And please, for the love of all that is good and holy, do push it up to 455,312! I beg of you! The author who wrote the book that is currently at 455,312 is a total dick and I want to pass him.)

10. It only costs $12.95 American, $15.95 Canadian and $10.36 Amazonian.

Like you can’t afford to put out 10 or 12 bucks for a book. I mean, come on – some people pay that kind of money for a single movie ticket and a movie only last two hours, whereas it will take you hours and hours and hours to get through my book. Honest. It’s that bad. (Crap. Hopefully enough of you buy my book because I have no future in sales.)