November 25th 2009

John Madden's Thanksgiving Turducken Recipe

Turducken. A chicken shoved in the ass of a duck shoved in the ass of a turkey. Mmmmmm. There's nothing better than turducken for Thanksgiving.

And no one knows turducken better than NFL legend John Madden. Here is how you prepare the holiday delicacy the Madden way.

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Making the Perfect Turducken - by John Madden

Step 1 - Get yourself a chicken, a duck and a turkey -- Preferably in that order. If you get the turkey first and then the chicken, they both just sit there waiting for the duck and you can't shove either one in the other one's ass. I use only the best birds struck and killed by my Madden Cruiser. I spend a lot of time driving across the country because I'm scared of flying, so killing animals breaks up the monotony.

Step 2 - Preserve the meat -- Sometimes you run over a nice-sized duck in January and February and then don't see another one anywhere near the road until Thanksgiving rolls around. So you have to preserve the meat. I do that by keeping it inside a vat of Pat Summerall's old whiskey. He's not as fun since he's been off the sauce, but he's still of use. Also, this method of preservation is great if the bird wasn't completely killed at impact. Putting it in a vat of whiskey will drown it or make it so drunk you can easily finish it off by holding a pillow over its face.

Step 3 - Prepare the meat -- Once Thanksgiving arrives, you have to flavor the meat. Summerall's whiskey gives it most of the flavor. But I like to add a little of this and a little of that. Go get your laundry. Now wring it out over the meat until it is coated with mustard and barbecue sauce and mayonnaise and cheese. Yesterday's mess on your shirt and tie is today's special sauce.

Step 4 - Seal in the flavor -- I find a nice coating of ear wax locks in the flavor and gives a certain crispness to the meat after it's been cooked.

Step 5 - Shove the chicken inside the duck and then the ducken inside the turkey -- Your kitchen telestrator was made for this moment.

Step 6 - Cook at 450 degrees for 2 hours -- Or until too hungry to wait any longer. I've never actually waited the full two hours. Plus, have you ever used an oven on an RV? They don't get anywhere near 450. So what's the point? Eating near-raw turducken usually gives me some explosive diarrhea. BOOM! Right to the colon. But if you don't have explosive diarrhea, you don't have Thanksgiving. You have to make room for more food somehow.

Step 7 - Get a pig -- Turkeys are the biggest game bird in the United States. That's unfortunate. Because there's not near enough meat on them to feed me on a holiday that's about eating. So I like to also hit a pig with my Madden Cruiser and then shove the turducken up the pig's ass. That's a good meal. And one year I want to shove the the pigturducken inside a steer and eat that. But first I need to get a new bumper on the Madden Cruiser.