Your Office Injury Report

Each week NFL teams are required to issue a comprehensive injury report listing players who are Out, Questionable and Probable. 

Like ... Out: Brian Westbrook (concussion).

Or ... Questionable: Tom Brady (shoulder).

Now your office is issuing a daily injury report. Here is today's.

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YOUR OFFICE INJURY REPORT

OUT: David (flu), Kevin (hungover), Denise ("flu," but probably has an interview), Rick ("flu," but voice sounded way fake on his voice mail), Katie (personal day (explosive diarrhea?)), Luke (mental health day), Amy (huge zit between her eyes), intern (another abortion).

QUESTIONABLE: Mary (runner in her pantyhose), Felix (thinking of playing golf today since it's unseasonably warm), Jon (all his clothes are dirty), Sharon (cankles), Wanda (struggling to think of a reason to get out of bed), Darryl (sick, but knows he's close to getting fired as is and can't push it).

PROBABLE: Roger (drunk), Dan (sick, but doesn't have high-speed internet at his apartment and wants to check out some stuff on YouTube), Lisa (swine flu, but could give a crap about the rest of us), Bill (home life is terrible), boss (might accompany the intern to her abortion, but probably not).