Houston Astros owner Drayton McClane offered star pitcher Roger Clemens an extra $20 million on top of his current contract today if he offs Astros closer Brad Lidge.
The murder-for-hire deal includes numerous perks, just like with Clemens’ Astros player contract. Additional incentives kick in if Lidge’s death appears to be a suicide, thereby allowing the team to void the guaranteed money remaining on his deal. And still more incentives come into play if Clemens’s also kills the struggling trio of Morgan Ensberg, Jason Lane and Andy Pettitte.
“Roger loves this organization and will do anything to help us win,” said McClane. “And there’s nothing that can help us win more right now than the death of Brad Lidge. Roger also loves money. So I see this generous offer as a win-win for everyone. Except, of course, Brad Lidge. But he deserves what’s coming to him.”

Selfish, me-first Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens is scheduled to undergo another MRI on his injured hamstring this morning, the latest example that the arrogant Owens is putting himself above his team again.
“I am so sick of this guy trying to be completely healthy for the regular season when the games mean something,” said head coach Bill Parcells. “What about training camp, huh? That’s important, too. I have no interest in him catching a bunch of touchdown passes for us in October and November if he hasn’t bonded with his teammates by being with them on the practice field during two-a-days in the summer. Those touchdowns will have no meaning, no soul.”
Parcells says he won’t be happy until Owens risks a season-long injury by going all out in practice every day until the regular season begins.
“I don’t mind losing someone as talented as Terrell Owens for the entire season as long as he shows me he’s a man and is tough enough to play through injury, even if it’s for a completely pointless reason,” said Parcells. “That way, when we eventually get him back on the field after months of rest and rehabilitation, I’ll know for sure that he’s my kind of player.”

The dramatic real-life story of Vince Papale, the bartender and substitute teacher who walked on to the Philadelphia Eagles in 1976, added another inspiring chapter today as the now 50-year-old Papale made the receiver-depleted 2006 Eagles squad as their No. 1 wideout.
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Hopes are high in Baltimore where the Ravens finally have a legitimate quarterback in Steve McNair. But the former Titans star is having a difficult time developing chemistry with his new receiving corps.
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Carson Palmer’s knee rehab was dealt a major setback today when the Bengals quarterback sprained a ligament in his surgically-repaired knee while fleeing from a convenience store he held up with several teammates.
“I’m very disappointed in Carson,” said Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis. “I made it a point to ask him months ago that if he planned on committing any crimes, that he stick to being the getaway driver to protect his knee. And then he goes and does this and puts our season in jeopardy. I thought he was smarter and more responsible than that.”
Palmer apologized to his teammates for injuring his knee in the robbery, but said he thinks the incident will be for the best in the long run.
“I was starting to lose respect in the locker room because I hadn’t committed any felonies yet,” said Palmer. “Guys like Chris Henry were openly questioning my dedication to being a Bengal. But now that all has been put to rest.”

Probably the biggest story to come out of the Little League World Series so far is that of the 6-foot-8 player from Saudi Arabia. But I don’t think it’s necessarily a good story, because you know who else is a very tall Saudi Arabian? That’s right ... Osama bin Laden. For all we know this kid is Bin Laden himself disguised in blackface. And with the war on terror still going strong, we need to remain vigilant. So let’s not be so laissez-faire about the possibility of Osama bin Laden walking around with a bat in his hands among our youth. It’s time somebody drill this giant terrorist right between the eyes with a 63 mph fastball.

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