Blood doping allegations leveled against Tour de France winner Floyd Landis threaten to completely destroy the reputation he had built in the two days Americans had heard of him before his positive test results were disclosed.
“It’s really disappointing to me that Landis would do this,” said Gary Jackson, a teacher from Branson, Missouri. “I remember hearing something about him winning the Tour de France on ‘Good Morning America’ the day after he won and he seemed like such a good guy. And now this. It really makes me wonder if we ever knew the real Floyd Landis.”
Samantha Becker, a Chicago-area pharmacist, says the Landis scandal will stifle the growth of the sport of cycling in the United States.
“Before all this happened I couldn’t imagine myself ever watching a bike race,” she said. “And now I can’t imagine myself ever watching a bike race. So, well … I guess that’s not really much of a change. But I guess I can’t imagine watching one even more now.”

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady returned to training camp Tuesday after missing two days of practice. Head coach Bill Belichick refused to discuss why his star was absent, but Brady disclosed it was so he could re-grow his sexy beard stubble.
“I practiced on the first two days of camp, Friday and Saturday, but then Sunday morning I wasn’t thinking and shaved my face right down to the skin,” said Brady. “I knew I couldn’t go out on the field like that. It’s kind of a trademark for me now and lends greatly to my rugged and almost intimidating handsomeness. I don’t think my teammates would know how to react without it being there. It makes me seem so rough and tough. So I called Bill and told him I made a mistake and that I’d have to take a couple days off until it grew back. He understood. And now it’s back and I’m ready to get back on the field – sexy as ever.”
“Thank God everything is okay with his stubble,” said linebacker Tedy Bruschi. “We were all pretty worried. Hopefully he didn’t miss any important shoots for a Gap ad or for a spread in a gay men’s magazine or whatever that one was last year when he was dressed up as a seaman and was making out with a goat. That would really be a shame. I know Tom loves that stuff.”

Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz stepped up again last night, bringing his wife to orgasm right when it seemed all hope was lost.
“He had been going to town on top of me for a good five minutes and I was feeling absolutely nothing,” said Shelley Ortiz.
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Washington Redskins training camp opened with a bombshell on Sunday when the team discovered high-priced free agent acquisition Antwaan Randle-El is not a quarterback.
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The Detroit Tigers acquired Sean Casey from the Pirates on Monday before the trade deadline, hoping the affable Casey’s friendliness will be the just the element the team needs to become world champions.
“On the surface, you might wonder why we’re handing our first base job over to Sean Casey,” said Tigers general manager Dave Dombrowski. “Sure, he has no power. And he’s slow. And he hits into tons of double plays. And he has no range in the field. But the man sure can bring a smile to your face. He’s just a genuinely nice guy.”
Tigers players are excited to have Casey on the roster.
“Who wants to win a championship if you don’t have ridiculously good clubhouse chemistry?” said outfielder Magglio Ordonez. “It just wouldn’t feel right. And, heck, even if we don’t win the World Series or even make the playoffs – which is a very real possibility now that Sean Casey is our first baseman – at least we’ll stay upbeat and have fun doing it thanks to Casey’s all-around niceness.”

Avon is releasing a Derek Jeter cologne in November. Called “Driven” – as it is to reflect “the unique personality of one of the most driven men in America,” says an Avon press release – the fragrance is a “blend of chilled grapefruit, clean oak moss and spice.” Hmmmm … a blend of chilled grapefruit, clean oak moss and spice. Sort of seems to me as though it will smell like compost. But I suppose when you slap “Jeter” on the bottle and link it to a well-known brand, millions of people will insist it smells like roses and is the greatest fragrance of all-time.

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