British golfer Colin Montgomerie is eagerly awaiting the opening of this week’s British Open where he will have the opportunity to humiliate himself before his home fans.
“I’m 43 years old. I don’t know how many more opportunities I’ll have to blow a chance at winning a major like I did at the U.S. Open,” said Montgomerie. “Who knows, this could be my last opportunity to really fail in front of my countrymen. I don’t won’t to mess it up.”
Montgomerie finished second in last year’s British Open behind Tiger Woods but finished five strokes back and was never close enough to Woods to really make a memorable late round collapse.
“Hopefully I won’t look back at the 2005 British Open after my career is over and regret not playing better in the earlier rounds so I could be in position to really blow it at the end in front of all of my fans. I want to give them one last choke job to remember,” said Montgomerie. “After my double bogey on the 18^th hole at the U.S. Open I was wishing that I could have saved that for the British, but hopefully everything will work out and it can happen again this weekend. I’m confident that I have it in me.”

Washington Nationals general manager Jim Bowden has instructed manager Frank Robinson to switch leftfielder Alfonso Soriano to starting pitcher in hopes the move will increase the All-Star’s trade value.
“There are many more teams in the market for a starting pitcher before the trade deadline than there are for an outfielder,” said Bowden. “There just aren’t many quality arms available. We brought Alfonso in here as a second baseman and forced him to play outfield, which he has done surprisingly well, so now we’re doing basically the same thing. He shouldn’t be too upset. The pitcher’s mound is a lot closer to second base where he wants to be than leftfield is. Oh, and even though he’s a righty, we’re going to have him pitch left-handed. There’s a bigger market for lefties.”
Soriano has said he will accept the move in hopes it will result in his trade out of Washington.
“I’ll do anything Jim Bowden tells me if it makes it even the least bit more likely he’ll trade me away from this awful team,” said Soriano. “Well, anything short of going out drinking with him and his fiancé. I don’t need to get arrested.”

The Cincinnati Bengals reportedly have contacted the attorney of a man recently convicted of killing two people in the city about playing for the team this season or as soon as he is released from prison.
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Face-to-face negotiations between the Tennessee Titans and their top draft pick, Vince Young, ended as soon as they began to day with Young excitedly accepting the team’s offer to pay him with shiny, sparkly things for the next four years with a team option for a fifth year.
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With the U.S. Open just six weeks away, American tennis star Andy Roddick has begun looking for a hairstyle that will make him look super-cool during the two or three rounds he lasts in the tournament.
“We’ve found that no matter how bad Andy performs on the court, his Q-rating and endorsement offers stay just as strong as long as projects an image that appeals to marketers,” said Ken Meyerson, Roddick’s agent. “We’re sort of following the David Beckham model. And there’s no better way to project coolness than by sporting a trendy haircut.”
Roddick is considering everything from a faux hawk to something with some length to a dye job and a buzz cut.
“I’ve cut a lot of my practice sessions to focus on this. I know where my bread is buttered,” said Roddick. “I’m flying stylists in from all over the world to give me their opinion and I’m confident I’ll have something fantastic by the time the first round begins. And, who knows, maybe my competitors will be so distracted by my coolness that I’ll make a run deep into the tournament.”

By the way, sorry to be constantly harping on the Barbaro and Michelle Wie stories, but neither of them seem to die. (And I mean that their stories won’t seem to die, not them. Although Barbaro will probably be dead soon enough and if Wie plays in any more tournaments where temperatures break 80 degrees, she could be a goner, too.)

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