With the shock of Ben Roethlisberger’s motorcycle accident now subsided and his return to health assured, Pittsburgh Steelers coaches and players are admitting they fear their quarterback has lost the edge that made him so dominant on the football field.
“I know the guy has been through a lot lately,” said wide receiver Hines Ward. “But now he’s wearing a helmet to do everything – to check his mail, eat a sandwich, watch film, use the bathroom. It’s pretty pathetic. I don’t think any of us will still respect him if this continues. Hopefully it’s just a phase he has to work himself through but – jeez – a specially-designed bathroom helmet? The tile in there isn’t really that hard.”
Head coach Bill Cowher said Roethlisberger’s new safety-first lifestyle is exactly why the team never put anything in the quarterback’s contract to completely forbid motorcycle riding.
“Part of what makes someone like him a great athlete is that he’s fearless,” says Cowher. “Once you take that away all you’re left with is a shell of a player. So what we have right now is basically a shell of a player and a huge pansy, too. And to think I thought we had rid ourselves of that element when we released Tommy Maddox.”

Middleweight boxer Michael Davis took another step closer to a title shot Saturday night with a knockout victory at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas. And following his victory he credited his mother and father and their years of physical, emotional and sexual abuse for enabling him to be the boxer he has become.
“I couldn’t have done it without mom and dad,” said Davies. “No well-adjusted person can become a boxer, and they did a fantastic job screwing me up in every conceivable way. I’m confident the anger I have inside of me over my childhood will be more than enough to take me to the title.”
Davis said he has his parents in him mind during every bout as inspiration.
“Once the opening bell rings, I just imagine the other guy is my dad or mom, and then I beat the living sh-t out of him. It’s great therapy,” said Davis.
The boxer said he also thanks God for his success, because without The Almighty allowing the abuse to take place, his boxing career never would have taken off.
“God is good,” said Davis. “If He sends my parents to hell, that is.”

Seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong issued a statement today vehemently denying the claims of everyone who ever met him.
“Despite what each and every human being who has ever had contact with me in any way has said, I have not used performance-enhancing drugs, nor have I threatened anyone. Why all of these people are saying this stuff is beyond me. But whose word are you going to trust here, me – or a few thousand people who have negative things to say about me? That’s an easy choice the way I see it – the person to trust is me, Lance Armstrong. I beat cancer, for crying out loud.”
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Pitching legend Roger Clemens, now 43-years-old, will reportedly come out of a four-day retirement on Sunday and pitch against the Texas Rangers. He hasn’t pitched since Tuesday night against the Detroit Tigers.
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In the week since its disappointing play in the World Cup led to an early exit from the tournament, members of the U.S. soccer team are fully appreciating for the first time in their lives the benefits of playing a sport that few people in America care about.
“Ever since I was a teenager and moving up through the system it really bothered me that the general public didn’t pay attention to soccer and didn’t care about our team,” said forward Landon Donovan. “But I never realized the flipside to that – that when we suck and embarrass us on the world stage it’s no big deal back home. We escape all the scrutiny.”
Fellow teammate DaMarcus Beasley said that after coming home from Germany he feared he wouldn’t be able to go out in public without getting disapproving from strangers. But he has been pleasantly surprised.
“Not a single person has recognized me. Same as always,” said Beasley. “It’s been great.”
Donovan noticed that the team received a day or two of criticism after their elimination, but the media quickly moved on to other stories.
“In other countries we’d still be the biggest story and we’d be getting hammered,” said Donovan. “But not here. In fact, I told some of my neighbors that we won the whole thing. And once I explained to them what the World Cup is, they congratulated me. It was really exciting.”

Mark Cuban is finally back posting again on his blog – Whew! Thank God! – after his short disappearance after the Mavericks’ collapse, and on Monday wrote more than 800 words explaining why he’s not a media whore: http://www.blogmaverick.com/entry/1234000227073770/. Um … okay. Eight-hundred words. On your blog. But you don’t want any attention. Got it. Hopefully Cuban can tell us more about his non-media-whoreness on his next “PTI” appearance or when he gets another reality show. Or maybe he’ll just run out onto the court in the Mavs’ home opener next season and scream to the cameras: “I’m not a media whore! Stop covering me!”

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