College basketball color man Bill Raftery caused a lunch with an old friend to end prematurely yesterday, annoying his guest to the point of running him off.
“I hadn’t seen Bill in years,” said Cliff Meiers, an attorney who attended LaSalle with Raftery. “So I was excited to catch up with him and see how his wife and kids are doing. But the catchphrases quickly became unbearable.”
Meiers claims every time he took a bite of his salad, Raftery yelled: “Send it in, Cliff.” And that Raftery exclaimed: “With the kiss!” each time he dabbed his mouth with a napkin.
“At first it was kind of funny, but I eventually I told him that if he didn’t quit it I was going to leave,” said Meiers. “All he did was point at my salad and say: ‘Onions!’ So I got up and slammed my napkin down on the table and he yells: ‘With authority, big fella!’ as I walk out.”

The Philadelphia Soul of the Arena Football League set a franchise attendance record on Sunday due to the popularity of a “Kick Bon Jovi in the ‘Nads” promotion. The rocker owns the team, and more than 75,000 people showed up in hopes of kicking him in the crotch, although only 20,000 gained access to his ‘nads and the arena.
“We’re only 2-5 this year and our attendance has really been waning,” said Jeff Predo, the Soul’s director of marketing. “We needed something that would get fans to the arena and we couldn’t think of anything better than offering people a chance to kick Jon Bon Jovi right in the balls. Thankfully, Jon was willing to go along with it.”
Fans cued for hours to show the Bon Jovi front man their appreciation of his music.
“I’m not even a sports fan. I don’t plan to go the game,” said Mike Thomas of Cherry Hill, New Jersey. “What I am is a music fan and I therefore obviously could not pass up the opportunity to ball-kick that talentless hack.”
“I came to kick him in the junk both for his music and for his acting,” said Simone Donaldson of Philadelphia. “Whoever gave this guy the impression he can act should be kicked in the ‘nads, too.”
Bon Jovi’s band mate, Richie Sambora, was also scheduled to appear, but had to back out at the last moment due to a conflict. Police think the crowd would have been almost twice the size had he appeared.
“I drove almost 3,000 miles in hopes of getting them both,” said Dave Miles or Albuquerque, New Mexico. “It’s the least I can do for someone who is responsible for ‘Shot Through The Heart.’”

With his high school athletics career rapidly nearing its end, and with very little prospects for a Division I scholarship, let alone a professional career, Jason Eldridge – a three-sport junior athlete – needs to decide soon if he’s going to take steroids or spend the rest of his life wishing he had.
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On Tuesday, just three days before his team is to play its first game in the NCAA Tournament, Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski took time out from his busy schedule to speak to a class of fourth graders at a Durham elementary school.
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Latrell Sprewell took a bold step in re-affirming his street cred yesterday by getting spinning rims installed in his face. The Timberwolves guard had two-inch diameter rims put in each cheek.
“I have phat rims on all 12 of my Escalades, and then I was the first one to get spinning rims on a pair of shoes,” said Sprewell. “So this is just the next step for me in living the thug lifestyle, you feel me, motherf—ker?”
Sprewell said he has wanted to get spinning rims installed in his face for more than a year but that it took him a while to find a surgeon who would agree to the procedure.
“I guess there are certain hygiene and leakage issues to having rims in your cheeks,” said Sprewell. “But just ‘cause I’ll have trouble keeping food in my mouth for the rest of my life doesn’t make this things any less cool. Look at them spinning, b-tch.”
Sprewell said his next step is to get a spinning rim put in his forehead, and then he hopes to find a pair of spinning rim contact lenses.

*So the Cardinals and 49ers are playing in Mexico on October 2^nd. Great job by the NFL to put its best foot forward in a new market by offering the excitement of a Cardinals-49ers game. Maybe the league can get the Chevy Nova to be the game’s official sponsor.

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