Swimmer Michael Phelps debuted his new line of Speedo swim trunks last weekend at the World Short Course Swimming Championships in Indianapolis. The trunks, approximately the size of a drink coaster, only cover Phelps’ scrotum.
“I’ve worn Speedos during my whole career, but this was the first time I was able to help design a pair of trunks from start to finish,” said Phelps. “I’m very happy with the result.”
Speedo head designer Mike Miller said Phelps felt the bikini shorts he wore at the Athens Olympics were too constricting, even though the top of his buttocks were visible and the front of his suit dipped well below his naval. “Michael wanted to go naked and just get a Speedo tattoo,” said Miller, “but USA Swimming said that would violate most local decency laws. So we came up with this suit instead.”
Phelps withdrew from the Championships after experiencing back pain, but thinks his new swimsuit will make him even faster once he returns. “The scrotal cap prevents unnecessary genital drag, while having my penis free from the suit enables it to serve as a sort of spoiler and a rudder. I expect all of my best times to be lowered dramatically.”

Second-year guard Lebron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers finally received full membership into the NBA Players Association on Wednesday when he became the father of an illegitimate child. The 19-year old’s girlfriend gave birth to a boy.
“We welcome Lebron to the Players Association,” said Juwan Howard of the Houston Rockets, a member of the NBAPA’s Executive Committee who has been hit with a paternity suit, a prerequisite for serving on the committee. “He has now truly become one of us.”
While James now receives all the rights and privileges of a full member – including a percentage take of NBAPA’s licensing deals and fully comped visits to Atlanta’s Gold Club – some NBA players wish he had done a little more to gain membership.
“It’s good he’s shown some commitment to being a legitimate player,” said Stephon Marbury of the Knicks, “but having a child with a longtime girlfriend more than a year after he’s been drafted is not all that impressive. He’s going to have to knock-up a few groupies in various cities around the country or he is going to have a tough time getting respect from veteran players.”

The final game of the WNBA Finals series between the Connecticut Sun and the Seattle Storm was not shown on ESPN2 as scheduled on Tuesday night. In its place, the network broadcast three hours of graphic executions of puppies.
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Most Boston Red Sox fans were ecstatic to hear the news that two of Mariano Rivera’s relatives were killed in an accident at his residence in Panama on Saturday, while others tried their best to express sincere regret over the tragedy, but were unsuccessful.
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Ricky Williams’ remaining Miami Dolphins teammates have now all decided that they would also like to retire from the NFL to smoke marijuana.
“I don’t even smoke weed,” said defensive end Jason Taylor, “but it has to be better than getting the snot kicked out of us each and every week. I can financially afford to hang it up, and there’s no reason for me to risk getting hurt out here. It’s time now that I take some time for myself and just chill out.”
Some Dolphins players have reportedly been mulling following Williams’ example for weeks. “I pretty sure A.J. Feeley has been stoned since Week One,” said head coach Dave Wannstedt, of his quarterback.
Linebacker Zach Thomas, who expressed disgust in training camp when Williams announced his retirement, now wants to mend fences with the running back. “Ricky has the best stuff, Ricky throws the best parties,” said Thomas. “He’s the guy who can hook us up, so we don’t want to have any hard feelings towards him anymore.”               

You can bet that during the week before the Packers play on ‘Monday Night Football’ next year, Brett Favre’s relatives are going to be feeling a little nervous.

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