Tiger’s Vast Fleet of Buicks Easing Him Through Slump

Feeling sorry for Tiger Woods as he experiences the first slump of his career? Don’t.
“My many Buicks are getting me through this rough patch,” said Woods, a longtime Buick pitchman, after finishing tied for 20th at the U.S. Open. “A guy with a Buick can’t have it all that bad, am I right? Especially when I’m able to drive a car with the luxurious stylings of the Buick LeSabre, America’s best-selling full size car.”
Woods, who is worth a reported $54 million, said his most prized possession is his 1987 Buick Skylark. “Now there’s a fine piece of machinery. Sure the radio knobs fell off years ago and the cloth on the interior ceiling is drooping and hits me in the forehead, but they just don’t make cars like that anymore. Buick truly is the ‘Spirit of American Style.’ And because I have access to so many of these fine automobiles, I know my game will work itself out. Buicks truly inspire me.”

Confused Lakers Fans Riot After Spurs Victory  

Confused Lakers fans rioted in the streets of Los Angeles late Sunday night after the San Antonio Spurs wrapped up the NBA championship with a win over the New Jersey Nets in Game 6 of the NBA Finals. The Lakers lost to the Spurs in the second round of the NBA Playoffs one month ago.
An estimated 2,000 Lakers fans poured into the streets in the minutes after the game ended, turning over cars and lighting trash barrels on fire in the downtown, as the mob chanted “Four-peat, four-peat, four-peat” in celebration into the Los Angeles night. Thirteen fans were arrested before the LAPD broke up the riot with tear gas.
“To be frank, we didn’t expect this to happen this year,” said Gerry Waylans, an LAPD sergeant and the commanding officer on the scene. “We figured everyone realized by now that the Lakers were eliminated from the playoffs a while ago and that there would be no four-peat. I’ll admit that we were wrong.”

Intravenous Fluid Named Official Sports Drink of the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Israeli and Palestinian officials reached a deal this morning after more than a week of violence, naming Intravenous Fluid the official sports drink of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
“This point of common ground could be an important step in bringing our people together,” said Ariel Sharon, prime minister of Israel. “We both routinely kill one another’s citizens and – let’s not kid ourselves – will continue to do so, and Intravenous Fluid is one of the most desired liquids among the many wounded on both sides. It was a perfect fit.”
Palestinian prime minister Mahmoud Abbas whole-heartedly agreed with Sharon. “We had deals on the table from Gatorade and Powerade, but those two brands just didn’t say ‘pointless, unending bloodshed’ in the way that we needed them to. So we decided to go with Intravenous Fluid. It will be the official sports drink of the conflict on the field of play and the field of battle.”
Israeli and Palestinian officials say sales of Intravenous Fluid will spike in the coming weeks thanks partly to the publicity of the endorsement deal; but both sides expect increased hospital admissions to be the major cause as several Palestinian groups are planning suicide bombings, whereas Israel plans to counter with a flurry of targeted strikes that will kill and maim dozens of Palestinian citizens.