Issue 43: Oct. 9, 2002
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SportsPickle.com Issue 43 Poll
What is the biggest problem facing black America?
poverty
sub-standard inner city schools
crime
single-parent homes
lack of positive role models
a low number of black NFL head coaches

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NASCAR Points to Even Mix of White Trash, Crackers and Rednecks as Evidence of Diversity in Fan Base

As the NFL faces a potential controversy over its lack of minority head coaches, NASCAR made a proactive move today to show its diversity. “NASCAR is unparalleled in diversity,” read a statement released by the racing circuit. “We have a fan base that includes an equal mix of white trash, crackers and rednecks.”
[FULL STORY]

Pending Another Terrorist Attack, Nation Overjoyed to See Yankees Eliminated


Report: Tom Brady’s Excrement Actually Smells Sometimes

A report out today in the “Boston Times” has shaken the city of Boston and the New England Patriots, already reeling from a two-game losing streak: New England quarterback Tom Brady not only takes bowel movements, but they smell sometimes.
Brady, seen by New England football fans and the media as perfection both on and off the field, was thought to not produce excrement. And those few that thought he did assumed that his waste either smelled like roses or had no smell at all.
“I am shocked to hear this,” said Margie Neely, a south Boston deli clerk. “I just can’t believe it is true.”
But apparently it is. About a half hour after New England’s 26-13 loss at Miami on Sunday, “Times” reporter Glenn Hibbard passed Brady while he was exiting the men’s room. “I went into the bathroom as Brady exited,” Hibbard wrote in his article. “The smell was simply overpowering. Disgusting. And I was shocked to find no one else in there – it had to be him. It’s like finding out that Superman can’t fly. I was just always one of those that assumed that Tom Brady’s crap didn’t stink.”


An AP headline this week: “Six Indicted for Bilking Mets Out of $2 Million.” I know the six – Roberto Alomar, Pedro Astacio, Jeromy Burnitz, Jeff D’Amico, Shawn Estes and Mo Vaughn – but didn’t they rip-off a lot more than $2 million?

[READ MORE]

Man Cleans Garage, Reads “War and Peace” During 4-Hour Angels-Yankees Game

Brooklyn resident Gabe Lassardi was able to read Tolstoy’s “War and Peace” and complete his long-procrastinated garage cleaning project during Wednesday’s nine inning, 4 hour 11 minute Game 2 divisional playoff game between the Angels and Yankees. The Angels won the game 8-6 and went on to win the series 3-1.
“That Tolstoy book had been collecting dust on my nightstand for years and I just decided now was the opportunity to do it,” Lassardi said. “I realized by the time it was 9:30 p.m. and the third inning wasn’t over that I probably had some time.”
Lassardi managed to finish off the 1412 page epic by the time the Angels made their third pitching change midway through the seventh inning. Then it was on to the garage.
“I could still hear the game because I left the door open from the garage to the living room. I fixed the leak in my utility sink, rearranged my tools, rearranged some stuff on my shelves and did a lot of sweeping and dusting,” he said. “All that and I made it back to the TV in time to see Troy Percival retire the Yanks in the bottom of the ninth.”
Lassardi says he hopes to learn karate and Portugese during the league championship series, as well as build a deck and re-store his 1968 Ford Mustang.

Bertuzzi Lays Out Queen Elizabeth with Vicious Crosscheck

Queen Elizabeth II dropped the ceremonial puck Sunday night in a preseason match-up in Vancouver between the Canucks and Sharks, in what was supposed to be a celebratory occasion. Instead, thanks to a crushing crosscheck from the Canucks Todd Bertuzzi that sent the Queen’s crown flying, the event was marred, and she had to be removed from the ice on a stretcher with a broken nose and mild concussion.
“She came out onto the ice with this attitude,” said Bertuzzi, a bruising forward. “She thought she owned the place. So after she dropped the puck and was walking back towards the glass I skated by and smashed her into the boards. She had it coming with that pompous attitude. I have no regrets.”
The Queen’s mangled nose left a blood smear on the glass and blood pooled around her crumpled body as she lay on the ice for several minutes.