Titans Say They Won’t Start Johnny Manziel Week 1 in Desperate Attempt to Make the News

titans-logojpg-4cd9b8014eba3e37_largeTennessee Titans head coach Ken Whisenhunt announced today that Johnny Manziel would not start for the team in their season opener “mostly on account of the fact that he doesn’t play for us,” he said.

Whisenhunt made the announcement at a press conference the team teased by saying that “huge breaking news” would be announced. Four local press members attended, one of whom was just a 14 year-old boy who occasionally tweets about the Titans. He was lured to the press conference with the promise that a free lunch would be provided.

“And that’s all we have to announce,” Whisenhunt said, ending his brief statement about Manziel not starting for the Titans.

“Come on. I knew it was a wasted trip in here for this,” said one reporter.

“Does this mean Jake Locker is still your quarterback?” asked another.

“Yes. Yes it does,” said Whisenhunt, sighing.

“Ha! Wow,” said the 14 year-old, before turning to his phone and tweeting: “Titans announce they’re still going to suck ass.”

The team also announced that they will being selling a t-shirt in team colors that reads “JOHNNY MANZIEL” in huge font on the front of the shirt and “(doesn’t play for us)” in a much smaller font underneath.

“It would really boost the morale of our players if they saw even one person around town wearing Titans stuff,” said the team’s marketing director. “Maybe this will do it.”

As of this writing, no shirts were sold and no major sports networks picked up the news about the Titans not starting Manziel.

“There’s still time,” the team’s marketing director said, mostly to himself, while staring out the window. “One day. One day something will happen.”

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