The Top 8 Fantasy Football Picks of 2014 (Who Will Suck if You Draft Them)

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FanDuel is SportsPickle’s exclusive fantasy football partner for the 2014 season. By entering the code PICKLE when signing up, you get a 100% BONUS on your first deposit.

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1. Toby Gerhart

Toby Gerhart is getting a lot of fantasy buzz. He’s going to be the featured back in the new Jaguars attack! He has a 4.7 yards per carry average for his career! He could put up the kind of numbers that white people think justifies voting him onto the cover of Madden! Whoa. All of this is true. You should probably take this guy!

If you draft him: He will be the featured back, but he’ll run for a grand total of 714 yards on 3.3 yards per carry. Because Jaguars. I mean, when the Jaguars are the only team clamoring to make you a starter, there’s a reason for it. Come on. Toby Gerhart is not good. You were insane to have drafted him.

If you don’t draft him: 1,250 yards rushing, 8 TDs and the cover of Madden 16.

2. Adrian Peterson

Adrian Peterson is a fantasy legend! How could not drafting him ever not pan out?

If you draft him: Shaun Alexander and LaDainian Tomlinson were also fantasy legends who suddenly became total crap. Peterson is at that point. Look at his season last year: he went from 2,097 yards and 6.0 ypc in 2013 to 1,266 and 4.5 in 2014. He’s 29. He’s had more than 2,000 career carries, in addition to a heavy workload in college. He’s had three seasons of more than 300 carries. Absolutely every piece of evidence in the history of football in regards to running backs says Peterson’s best days are long over and that he’s in for a steep and sustained decline. So if you draft him this year? 899 yards and 6 TDs.

If you don’t draft him: 1,899 yards and 16 TDs. Normal rules don’t apply to Adrian Peterson.

3. Rob Gronkowski

Injury issues aside, there aren’t a lot of dominant tight ends available. If you can take Gronkowski, you have to do it.

If you draft him: He’ll get hurt Week 1, have good games when he returns in Weeks 4 and 5, and then be lost for the season before Week 6 when he fractures his arm inside a prostitute.

If you don’t draft him: 1,355 yards, 15 TDs and not a single injury (genital warts aside).

4. Jay Cutler

Haven’t you heard? This is the year Jay Cutler takes that step into the ELITE quarterback category in fantasy football (and also stupid real football). He’s got Brandon Marshall, Alshon Jeffrey, Martellus Bennett, Santonio Holmes. There are simply too many weapons around Cutler for him to not put up monster numbers!

If you draft him: 27 TDs, 27 interceptions, 0 consistency. Hey, so 31 year-old, 9-year veterans don’t suddenly become great, dumbass.

If you don’t draft him: 27 TDs, 17 interceptions. A career Cutler year (meaning he’s a totally acceptable backup quarterback in fantasy football (and also real football)).

5. Le’Veon Bell

If you paid attention at all to the final third of the 2013 NFL season, Bell was one of the top fantasy backs as a rookie. He should only get better in Year 2.

If you draft him: A suspension will be announced hours after you draft him, he will rush for only 700 yards on the season and score only 1 TD because his backfield/marijuana field mate LeGarrette Blount will take all of his goal line touches.

If you don’t draft him: No suspension, 1,700 total yards and 16 TDs thanks to being the Steelers workhorse back after the team cuts Blount to send a message that off-the-field misconduct (by backups) will not be tolerated.

6. Kendall Wright

The young Titans receiver had 94 receptions last year and almost no one knows his name. You can take advantage of this and make him the steal of your draft!

If you draft him: 49 receptions and confirmation that no one will ever know his name.

If you don’t draft him: 94 receptions and confirmation that you suck at fantasy football.

7. Johnny Manziel

Manziel won’t start the year for the Browns, but he’s a sure bet to be under center by mid-season, and he has all the tools to put up big fantasy numbers late in the year for you as a backup QB as your team makes its fantasy playoff push. Plus, if you have a keeper league? You simply have to take Johnny Football at some point in the draft.

If you draft him: Arrested for running a multimillion dollar, nine-state cocaine ring by Week 3, ending his football career.

If you don’t draft him: Putting up 15 to 25-point fantasy weeks from Week 9 on, all with the authorities complete unaware of — or in on — his multimillion dollar, nine-state cocaine ring.

8. Darren McFadden

Darren McFadden has always had the ability to be a fantasy stud, as his 2010 season of 1,664 total yards and 10 TDs proved. And this year he’s healthy. Really! There have been articles written about it and everything. He’s looking good! And he’s still only 27. Watch out!

If you draft him: 317 total yards and 2 TDs, and out for the season in Week 8 with spontaneous combustion.

If you don’t draft him: Still 317 total yards and 2 TDs, and out for the season in Week 8 with spontaneous combustion. I mean, it’s Darren McFadden. But all 317 yards and 2 TDs will come in one game, against your team.

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FanDuel is SportsPickle’s exclusive fantasy football partner for the 2014 season. By entering the code PICKLE when signing up, you get a 100% BONUS on your first deposit.

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Also see …

The 20 Best Fantasy Football Team Names of 2014

HONEST Fantasy Football Preview Magazine 2014

SP’s Fantasy Football page

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