Struggling Manchester United Announces it Will Finish Out Its Career in the MLS

manuManchester United, a 20-year veteran of the English Premier League and once one of the brightest stars in the sport, announced today it will play out the twilight of its career in Major League Soccer in the United States. ManU had been struggling mightily of late, opening the Premier League 0-1-1, as well as dropping a 4-0 match to lowly MK Dons.

“They obviously aren’t what they once were and could no longer compete at this level,” said English soccer analyst Gary Lineker. “It was the right time to make the move. They are probably good enough to compete for an MLS Cup, and now Manchester United can end its time in the sport with some modicum of dignity, instead of getting humiliated every time out.”

Man United had been scheduled to play Burnley FC on Saturday, but will make an immediate move to the MLS and instead will next take on the Houston Dynamo on Tuesday night on ESPN2.

“I was probably going to end up in the MLS eventually anyway,” said forward Wayne Rooney. “At least I’m making the move with my whole club, I guess.”

Manchester United jersey sponsor Chevrolet is now looking to get out of its 7-year, $560 million deal with the club.

“MLS jersey sponsorships are closer to 7-years, $56,000,” said a Chevy source.

Recent transfer Angel di Maria is also seeking to back out of his move.

“What is Houston Dynamo?” he said.

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