New NFL Stadium Security Protocol Requires Fans to Turn Over All Cash and Valuables Upon Entry

nfl-logoThe NFL announced an update to its stadium security protocol today which the league says will keep its games “safer than ever” while also providing a lucrative new revenue stream for the league. 

Beginning with the 2013 season, NFL fans had to place any belongings they wanted to bring into stadium into a see-through, NFL approved bag. Starting Week 1 of this season, fans will have to turn over all coins, cash, credit cards and valuables to NFL workers upon passing through stadium gates.

“Coins can be thrown at people and hurt them,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “Cash can be used as kindling to start fires or to deliver nasty paper cuts. And credit cards can be cracked in half, revealing sharp edges that can be used as crude shivs. Valuables, such as diamond rings, can be used to cut through almost anything. We are simply looking out for the best interests of our fans.”

According to reports, an internal NFL study found that many of the fans who go to games leave the stadium without having emptied their bank accounts on food, drinks and NFL merchandise and apparel. The new security rules come on the heels of Goodell seeing that report.

“If the NFL has to make more money in order to protect our fans and to protect this great country, that is a bullet I will take,” said Goodell. “What those criticizing our new security measures don’t seem to care to understand is that when fans leave our stadiums with money, they can use that money for any number of illegal activities, from buying drugs to funding Al-Qaeda. Well, that simply won’t happen on my watch. I care too much about our country.”

Goodell then called several U.S. military members onto the stage and told the assembled media to “stand and applaud for our Armed Forces and the NFL.”

Under the new rules, any fans who don’t immediately turn over all their valuables will be fined an additional $10,000. Goodell also announced that September is now “The NFL is Good and Benevolent Awareness Month” and all NFL merchandise will be marked up an additional 50% with all proceeds going to the NFL.

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